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Sorry Not Sorry: Unshackling the Chains of Over-Apologizing

Sorry Not Sorry: Unshackling the Chains of Over-Apologizing

Are you a chronic apologizer seeking a newfound sense of confidence? Welcome to a transformational experience in this episode of the Women's Mental Health Podcast. Join Randi Owsley, LMSW and Jessica Bullwinkle, LMFT, two empathetic mental health warriors, in unearthing the roots of excessive apologizing, conquering apology syndrome, and reclaiming your assertive identity. Unlock empowering strategies to break away from over-apologizing, both in your personal and professional life, while embracing a new-found self-worth. Whether you're a woman young or older in search of mental health resources or someone who is struggling with self-identity, this episode is your safe haven. Together, we'll craft a self-narrative steeped in love, resilience, and unapologetic authenticity.

Prepare to embark on a heartfelt journey towards rediscovering your true self. On the Women’s Mental Health Podcast, we're pulling back the curtain on professional help available for chronic over-apologizers. Our upcoming episodes will be a treasure trove of mental health resources, focusing on the psychological effects of over-apologizing, and providing effective coping tools to help you find balance. Listen in as we shed light on various therapeutic approaches aimed at helping you minimize apologies and embrace assertiveness. Through stories that resonate, expert insights, and raw and honest conversations, we'll offer a guiding light on how you can improve communication skills and stop the endless cycle of saying sorry. Get set to boost your confidence, say sorry less, and learn how an excessive apology habit intertwines with your self-esteem. Remember, it's about progress, not perfection, you are not alone, and together we can turn these nuanced struggles into powerful breakthroughs.

Rest assured, beautiful souls, we are here to shine a light on your path to assertiveness. The future episodes of Women's Mental Health Podcast come packed with empowering narratives and expert insights on those all-too-familiar apologies. Wondering how to halt the constant cycle of saying sorry? We've got you covered. Eager to unravel the intricate psychology behind over-apologizing? Tune in and voyage deep into your psyche with us. We will equip you with powerful, compassionate responses to replace the robotic sorrys, and explore the tangled connection between over-apologizing and trauma response. Brace yourself to overcome the permeating ‘apology syndrome', and learn how to assertively communicate without falling into the apology trap – both in your personal life and at work. Filled with potent tips and enlightened guidance, these upcoming episodes are dedicated to transforming guilt-laden apologies into confident expressions of your authentic self. Listen in, engage, and remember: You are seen, heard, and, above all, valued. It's your turn to say no to unnecessary apologies and yes to unapologetic self-love.

Question we'll talk about today and in future episodes:

Why do I apologize so much in my daily life?

Is over-apologizing harmful to my mental health?

How can I catch myself before I apologize unnecessarily?

What can I say instead of “I'm sorry”?

How can I achieve a healthy balance between apologizing and assertiveness?

Can professional help be beneficial in addressing my apology habits?

Can meditation or mindfulness techniques help in curbing excessive apologizing?

Does over-apologizing affect my relationships?

How can I improve my self-esteem and reduce over-apologizing tendencies?

Are there support groups or workshops focused on stopping over-apologizing?

Ways to Unwind and Relax

Meditative, Relaxing, Mental Health Coloring books developed by licensed psychotherapists Randi Owsley and Jessica Bullwinkle – Available on Amazon Today!

Transcript – Sorry Not Sorry: Unshackling the Chains of Over-Apologizing

[00:00:00] randi: 1, 2, 3, 4, hi friends. It's Randy and Jess. And we're gonna cut the 

[00:00:07] Jess: bullshit and let's get into women's mental health.

[00:00:14] randi: Sorry, not sorry. Why women over apologize on how to fucking stop. 

[00:00:19] Jess: In this episode of the podcast, unapologetically all over the place with Randy and Jess, we are gonna talk about stop, apologizing and stop saying, sorry for shit. We don't need to. It is okay to have 

[00:00:31] randi: needs. Yeah, we're gonna deep dive into why women over apologize and how to just fucking stop.

[00:00:38] Jess: Yeah, just stop. And if I say it, just tell me to stop. 

[00:00:40] randi: Yeah, I do that. Like, I'll be like, don't apologize. Stop apologizing. You don't need apologize to that. I even told my psychiatrist who does my med management. She was like, sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry Not Sorry For some back end office stuff. And I was like, do not apologize to me.

yeah, no need, 

[00:00:58] Jess: have you ever thought or said, 

[00:01:01] randi: oh, sorry. When you dot, 

[00:01:03] Jess: dot do. Accidentally bump into somebody else and go, oh, sorry. But they 

[00:01:07] randi: actually bumped into you. Yes. So why are you apologizing? Yes. Uh, when you need to get somebody's attention and you're like, excuse me, sorry. 

[00:01:15] Jess: Or if they give you the wrong food, you're like, um, sorry, but this isn't cooked, 

[00:01:19] randi: right.

Or this is when I ordered, like, why are you apologizing for somebody else's error. 

[00:01:26] Jess: What is over apologizing. Like we even need to say it, you know, we do it all the time, but, but why, why do we say I'm sorry when we don't need to? Yeah. 

[00:01:36] randi: Why do we, like when we haven't done anything wrong, we are taking on the responsibility of somebody else mm-hmm um, for their errors or their mistakes and apologizing to them. Sorry Not Sorry

[00:01:50] Jess: Trying to fix a problem that we didn't cause or control. Right, right. Like, sorry. Traffic was really bad. I didn't cause traffic. Right. I may have been late, but I didn't 

[00:01:58] randi: cause the traffic. Yeah. Like you can apologize for the part you own, but it's like, oftentimes we just like apologize for like, so, so many things.

I don't even know where to start. 

[00:02:10] Jess: my daughter says, I'm sorry a lot. And she's always done it. And. We were working on this was years ago, working on, not saying, sorry for everything. Mm-hmm so I had her watch this really cool Barbie video, which I, I will put up cuz it's actually, it's a really good video.

[00:02:26] randi: Really cute. It's cute. Barbie can be smart sometimes. 

[00:02:29] Jess: right. And this one, I totally agree. Yeah. And so we weren't saying sorry for everything. And so what happened was all of a sudden we were walking to the store and some dude bumped into me mm-hmm and I said, oh, sorry. He turned around and said, that's okay.

And walked off. And my daughter said, but mom, he bumped into you. Yeah. She called you out. She called me out. Why did you AP? He didn't even apologize. Why, why do women over apologize? Why, why is it my problem? 

[00:02:58] randi: Right. And why is it such a problem for us as women? Because it's clear that we haven't done anything wrong and there's no need to apologize.

So why do we over apologize? 

[00:03:11] Jess: Okay, so I'm gonna go with people pleasing. We wanna be nice. We wanna be polite. Sorry Not Sorry Oh no, no, no. We're taught to be nice. And we're taught to be polite. We're 

[00:03:22] randi: taught to be forced into some situations that we don't wanna be in and telling like your kids, like you have to go hug. So, and so that's like a stranger or.

You know, or an uncle I see, like once every three years, like why would you do that? Like, same thing with like, apologizing. Sorry Not Sorry Like, why are you apologizing for that? Um, because we have been taught like just, you know, be nice, like just put on the happy face, like just people please. Right. Just 

[00:03:48] Jess: say, sorry. So it moves on easier.

[00:03:50] randi: Mm-hmm because you don't wanna disappoint. You don't wanna upset. And it's like, why. Sorry Not Sorry That's their emotion. If they're upset, that's their emotion. If they're disappointed, it's on them, it's on them. It's not your emotion. Nope. To carry. It's not, it's not the way that you are feeling. So why are we like, basically like covering that up?

[00:04:09] Jess: And that leads to low self-esteem mm-hmm right. We, we think poorly of ourselves or, you know, they think that as a result, you know, we've done something wrong. Sorry Not Sorry Oh my gosh. Especially I gotta say it with ADHD. Oh yeah. We're always doing, we're always doing something anyway. And 

[00:04:25] randi: so, yeah. Uh, we. Yeah. Sorry Not Sorry And I think that we over apologize because we are trying, we feel like we're such like a mess sometimes because we do talk over people.

We are late all the time. We lose things all the time. We're very unorganized for some of us or like we can't sit still. So it's like, we're constantly like apologizing for who we are. That's kind of disgusting when you say that out loud, mm-hmm, that you're apologizing for who you are as a 

[00:04:49] Jess: person. Well, that we're gonna squirrel here is because we're trying to live in, in a neurotypical world.

Right, right. We're we're trying to live with everybody else who can sit still and we can't. And so that's where the lot of the, sorry. Right. 

[00:05:01] randi: So we're apologizing for being different and always shouldn't absolutely. 

[00:05:05] Jess: Should not. Yeah. And so that's the low self-esteem mm-hmm . What about perfection? 

[00:05:10] randi: Oh, yeah. So like you just have like super high standards of yourself and you can't live up to them because they're just so unattainable.

And so you're constantly feeling like you don't measure up and you're inadequate and. So you feel a need to like apologize because it's not done perfectly for what you have in your mind. Sorry Not Sorry And you need to understand like, that is if it's not attainable, mm-hmm, , you're always gonna be apologizing for that.

And I do that too, because I have a, everything needs to be done to like a very high standard. And if it's not done perfectly, I'm like, oh my gosh, like I failed. Sorry Not Sorry And it's like, that's not true. Sorry Not Sorry Like other people are seeing. Succeed and do these things and like, oh, that's so wonderful. And I'm thinking like, that's shit like, and I'm sorry.

And it's like, no, no, stop, stop. Sorry. Stop, stop. Saying, I'm sorry. Stop apologizing for that. Just because it's just who you are. 

[00:06:01] Jess: And then what about when we feel uncomfortable? Like when you have to return your food, Sorry Not Sorry you're like, okay. They made a mistake and you feel uncomfortable pointing it out. Right, 

[00:06:08] randi: right.

Or just like, uh, returning something to a store too. Oh, like, I'm sorry, like this didn't fit right? Or I'm sorry, like. This was broken or like, I'm sorry. There was, my daughter just opened up like this blind box thing and there was no toy in it. Like, and I'm like, we need to return that. And it's like, what do you she's like, I'm sorry.

Like, there was nothing inside when I opened it. And I'm like, what is that? That's the factories problem. Right. You know, it's not your problem. 

[00:06:31] Jess: Well, I had bought, uh, went to Costco, bought some meat the other day and I went to cook it and I was. Sorry Not Sorry It's already expired. Right? What happened? I just went to Costco like a day ago.

Right. So, so I took it back cuz you can take everything back, right? Yeah. And I felt like, oh, I'm really sorry. But like this expired and the person behind was so validating. They, they looked at it, they looked at the date, they looked at my, when I bought it and they're like, girl, this is expired a day after you bought it.

Right. Yeah. That says that shouldn't even been 

[00:06:57] randi: out there. Right. Right. That's not your fault. And it's like, you feel like you're incon conveniencing, you know, somebody. Kind of circling back to feeling like uncomfortable too. Sorry Not Sorry I feel like sometimes we use it like as like a filler too. Mm-hmm , you're unsure like what to say what to do.

So you're just like, oh, I'm sorry. No, and I don't know. And same thing, like, I feel like a lot of times we apologize for our mental health too. Like, I'm sorry, like I'm PMSing. I'm sorry. Like my anxiety is acting up. I'm sorry. I'm depressed. And I can't do this and it's like, stop fucking apologizing for it.

[00:07:31] Jess: Right. Own it. Own it. Own it. Yeah. Even better. Like the story I was telling with the guy is that mm-hmm, , you know, I apologize for his mistake, right. For his behavior. Sorry Not Sorry Or sometimes people do it for their inappropriate, like I've had people like their spouse was being, you know, inappropriate or said something like, I'm sorry.

He, he, he, you know, he got a little drunk and he says some things he shouldn't say, and I'm like, why are you apologizing for him? Sorry Not Sorry Right. Why, why are 

[00:07:56] randi: we doing that? Why, why are you taking that on like, that's your persona and that's your personality and that's your problem. Like. His issue 

[00:08:04] Jess: well, and taking ownership of their problem actually enables it does it.

It's 

[00:08:09] randi: enabling. And I'm gonna go off a deep dive right here. Do it, do it. Sorry. It, it for everybody. But this perpetuates rape culture. Sorry Not Sorry Yes. Because you're apologizing for somebody's behavior and saying like, I'm sorry, they act this way. I'm oh, he was drunk. He just, or he. You know, this or his friends got him riled up.

He just, you know, like, I'm sorry, he was acting that way. Like, oh, I didn't mean to touch you that way. Like, okay, no, you know what you're doing? So it's like this can cycle into more heavier things and trauma, if we don't fucking cut out saying I'm sorry, and teaching our kids that they need to apologize for every little thing too 

[00:08:48] Jess: well, and it's, it's apologizing for things.

A, they're not really, truly sorry for right. Because sometimes it's just a bad habit. You've been over apologizing for your entire life or listening to others over apologize. Mm-hmm and so you are going to be doing it too. And, and it just becomes this automatic response. Uh, my daughter's friend was visiting a couple months ago.

This girl said, I'm sorry, like every two seconds. Yeah. Yeah. Almost like you say, like, and I say, absolutely, 

[00:09:16] randi: we own that. We own it. Oh, and right. And right. Yeah. I was like, oh my God, I'm saying right too much stop . But she 

[00:09:22] Jess: kept saying, I'm sorry. And I was like, stop apologizing. Mm-hmm unless you've done something that you are truly sorry for, or that you have caused stop apologizing. Sorry Not Sorry

You don't need to just say, sorry, because it didn't work out or the store was closed or right. You know, 

[00:09:38] randi: whatever. Yeah. And let's make that the habit. Like, I am constantly telling my friends. People I interact with my own daughter, my kids. Like you do not need to apologize for that. And sometimes that's what you need is like permission to think about and pause and be like, am I really sorry for this?

You know, am I really communicating how I truly feel? Because it's very dismissive too when you're just like, sorry, sorry. Sorry. Sorry Not Sorry For everything. And I think like a lot of times we want apologies from people, but like, they don't hold a lot of like merit because it's just like a filler word, like nowadays.

[00:10:15] Jess: Well, and part of the reason that these are inappropriate, right. Saying, apologies, I'm sorry, cuz you're basically taking it on and saying I'm to blame. It's all me at, you know, and it doesn't really reflect your current self-worth mm-hmm right. You're taking this on. Um, and, and when you do that, it, it lowers your self-esteem.

It's lowering, you know, 

[00:10:35] randi: it, it's your confidence. Yeah. And it's codependent. I think it also makes you like, if you're like in like the business world or like in like a male dominated, um, industry, like, um, we are like, it can make you look less than if you are apologizing for things. Think of like your male, like counterparts and coworkers and stuff.

Like, did they apologize for that shit that they do? They don't apologize for anything. Like, no, don't, you're, you're not weak. You can probably do that job like 20 times over then they could like own it, you know? And don't let anybody push you down, like into that box by like apologizing for something that just happens.

[00:11:15] Jess: I had a doctor recently. He was a PA. So he is not a doctor, but he's a physician's assistant, right? Yeah. Um, he was talking and he looked at me and he goes, you. I'm gonna apologize for mansplaining mm-hmm and I was blown away. I was like, that's pretty amazing. And I said, thank you. Yeah, that's all I said.

[00:11:31] randi: Thank you. Yeah. And I've had to tell, um, you know, interactions too with like male doctors and something like that. Like, this is my education level. I understand what I'm talking about. Don't talk down to me like this. Yeah. And I'm not gonna apologize. For that, if you think you can talk to me a certain way, I'm gonna give this back to you.

And part of that too comes with age, you know, like now that I'm older and I've learned to like handle it. Yes. But it's like, if you're younger and listening to this, stop yourself in your tracks. And be like, do I need to apologize for this? Probably 99% of the time you don't. 

[00:12:08] Jess: And I mentioned a big word codependent.

Mm-hmm I don't wanna go too much into it. Yeah. But codependent behavior is taking ownership of somebody else's problem. Somebody else's issue. It is owning their stuff and you don't have to own somebody else's conflict or own somebody else's 

[00:12:26] randi: problem. Right. And that also goes back into boundaries, which we've talked about previously, if you wanna listen to that and it can cause like, um, ament, like, am I ament?

Yeah. Amesh uh, yeah. When you are meshed. So that's like, um, A lot of you guys might not have heard that word before, but it's kind of like overlapping, like you're woven in to codependent with family or like a friend or any type of relationship. And it's like not healthy. There's no healthy boundaries. And it's like, that can cause that too, where you've taken on this whole other personality for this person.

So you're constantly like. Defending, like if they're like a shitty person or whatever, you know, but that's not you like, you're not the person. So it again, back to boundaries 

[00:13:16] Jess: boundaries. Oh my gosh. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Okay. So I wanna talk about when do we apologize? No. When you're supposed to apologize, right.

There are times when you do need to apologize. 

[00:13:28] randi: Well, and that's another thing. A lot of people. Don't wanna own a true apology. Right. And don't really know how to apologize 

[00:13:35] Jess: appropriately. If you have hurt somebody's feelings, I'm sorry. I hurt your feelings. I'm sorry. I said something. Not even I I'm sorry. I said something so harsh.

[00:13:45] randi: Right. And you can own that. Like you can be like, I am sorry, like that this hurt you. I didn't realize. Yes. Like that was not my intent. Mm-hmm to like hurt you. I'm sorry that it hurt you. Like in this way. I'm or you can be sorry for your part. Of it, you know, like, I'm sorry for my part and how this played out.

Mm-hmm like, and you can own that if it has really impacted somebody mm-hmm , you know, like so overtly, then you can communicate like a true apology. 

[00:14:16] Jess: Boundaries here. If you've you, have you violated some of these boundaries? I'm sorry if I violated your boundaries. Right, right. I'm sorry. I pushed, 

[00:14:22] randi: I'm sorry.

I, yeah. You've said something like offensive or offhand. Like a lot of us sometimes do that too, because I'll flip it just kind of, yeah. And it's like, you can be like, oh, like, uh, and two in this day and age, like the way that we like text and like say things on social media can be like misconstrued and you can sometimes say like, okay, well, I'm sorry that, that came off that way.

Mm-hmm like, that was not my intention. This is what I truly met, but like, some people don't wanna hear it. So you have to be like, okay with that too. Like, are they gonna accept it or not? Like, It's not your fault if they don't accept it either. Like you don't need to worry about 

[00:15:01] Jess: that. Right. As long as you're owning what really is yours to own.

Okay. Let's talk about what not to apologize 

[00:15:07] randi: for. Okay. Things you did not do, right. That have nothing to 

[00:15:12] Jess: do with you, right. Things you can't control. I can't control the weather. Right. I can't control traffic. I can't control. I can't control any, I can't control a lot actually, if you really wanna go into control.

Yeah. 

[00:15:24] randi: If you wanna, there's like not a lot of things that we can control. So, um, things that other adults do, whether they are, you know, related to you or not, you know, like even like, you know, a politician like, oh, I'm sorry for like the way this is, you know, our country is like, okay, well, like we didn't do that, but yeah.

[00:15:44] Jess: You know, or even kids, um, my daughter, I, I love her outspokenness. I do, I love her outspokenness. And sometimes she just say, I'm like, oh, she said that, oh, and one time I apologize. I was like, I'm really sorry. That she said that. And my, my friend said, you don't need to apologize for something your daughter said.

Yeah. You know? And I was like, yeah, right. I mean, I'm, I'm still sorry. She, what, you know, she said something like that. And 

[00:16:08] randi: I think like I have done that a lot too, because like having like an ADHD son, um, who is on the autism scale, like he. I found like I was apologizing for his behavior a lot. Mm-hmm and I was like, why am I doing that?

Like, this is who he is. Yep. And if other people can't accept that, then fuck him. 

[00:16:30] Jess: Well, exactly. And my daughter was standing up for her friend and she was just being honest mm-hmm and she was just being outspoken, which, you know, I'm, I'm really proud of her for doing too. 

[00:16:39] randi: Yeah. And I've found that to be like a very.

Theme too, especially like in the, um, special needs community with, um, mothers that have children and their like family or friends, aren't accepting of other kids that have, you know, extra needs and that they feel like they always need to apologize or are not welcome. And it's like, that's horrible that you have to feel like you need to apologize for a child that should know nothing but love or 

[00:17:06] Jess: apologizing for you.

Right. Right. For your own stuff, that this 

[00:17:09] randi: is apologizing, that this is your child. Like. When you say that out loud, like, do you see how ridiculous, like that sounds, but like other people are putting like their issues on you and then you're apologizing for it because it makes them uncomfortable or they don't know how to process it.

Forget that squirrel. Yeah. 

[00:17:28] Jess: Um, how about asking a question or needing something? Oh, I'm sorry. Can you get this for me? And you're like, mm that's what they're there for? Right, right. You can ask in a nice way. Excuse 

[00:17:37] randi: me. Okay. And this is something we do all the time as women. Yes. Is apologizing for our parents.

Like, oh, I'm sorry. I just showed up in sweats or I'm sorry. I didn't put makeup on today or I'm sorry, my hair, if you guys are watching us on YouTube is up in a bun. Like why that's what you wanted to wear today. That's what felt comfortable to you. That's what, that's what you had time. That's what you had time for.

Like, this is what you get like, or I'm sorry, like, my house is a mess or I'm sorry. There's dishes in the sink. Real friends, real family. Like you don't need to apologize for that. They're gonna understand mm-hmm 

[00:18:13] Jess: absolutely. Yeah. Your parents. Um, how about my feelings? Mm-hmm I'm sorry if I'm having big emotions.

No, you're having big emotions. I'm sorry. I feel this way. No, that's how you feel. Yeah. How you feel is valid, right? 

[00:18:25] randi: Like I'm sorry. Valid feeling, you know? I'm sorry. I'm so emotional. Like you said, like, I'm sorry. I'm tired. Like, I'm sorry. Like. you just are, 

[00:18:33] Jess: I'm tired. I'm emotional. I'm I'm, it's just having big feelings.

[00:18:37] randi: Yeah. And that's valid, like you said, like that is reality. Mm-hmm so it's like, we don't need to like sugarcoat these things to try to make other people feel better about our reality. Like when you're already struggling. Yeah. 

[00:18:52] Jess: Own it, own it, normalize it. Yeah. Um, what about not having answers? Oh, sorry. I don't have the answer for that.

No, I don't have the answer for that. 

[00:19:01] randi: And I think that's really, really hard because I feel like in our culture and like our schooling system, you're called on, you're supposed to have the answer mm-hmm and like, you get in trouble if you're like not paying attention or like, you don't know the material, 

[00:19:14] Jess: what did you, you squirrel out stare at the window and you're like, wait, what are we on?

What page are we on? Yeah, I can do it. 

[00:19:19] randi: Exit where we are. And then you get like the feed. Well, that's negative. Like you weren't paying attention, you weren't listening. Like you don't know the answer, like you're not good enough. And it's like, we put that on ourselves then like, as an adult too, like in like everyday situations, like I should know all the information, like we're not Google.

Okay. Like we don't have all the answers we're never going to. And I just tell people like, um, I don't know, look it up on Google. Like . Right. I'm not your dictionary. I'm not your encyclopedia. Britanica whatever they used to call him. I don't think 

[00:19:49] Jess: we're taught that. We can actually say I don't have the answer for that.

Right. Not as women. Right. Cause what we're dumb if we don't have the 

[00:19:57] randi: answer. Well, and I feel like we're just supposed to know everything and we're just supposed to do everything and we're just supposed to have it all and do it all and be it all. And that's exhausting and yeah, we need to be like, I. I don't know.

Now I just say like, you do it if you want it, or I don't know. I can't be everybody's everything 24 7, like even in like, as a boss and even as, you know, even sometimes with clients and stuff, like, I will tell them, like, I don't know the answer to that. Like, let me research like that. And then we can like, get back to you and they're gonna appreciate that.

Like so much more. Then if I'm just like pulling it outta your ass. Yeah, exactly. So, or we were talking about this the other day, too. Not responding immediately, especially in text messages. Yes. 

[00:20:45] Jess: Ugh. You do not have to hit respond. You don't have to answer your phone 

[00:20:49] randi: and you don't need to apologize for getting back late to somebody like, oh, there is no late, like I just.

Saw this, or I'm sorry, we're used to this instant, instant, instant gratification. And now, now, now, and it's okay to have boundaries and like not respond immediately or pause, or if you're busy or if it's too overwhelming, mm-hmm, like, you don't need to apologize for that. You don't even need to explain it.

If you're getting back to somebody later than what is perceived as a correct, like time to respond, just don't apologize for that kind of stuff. 

[00:21:19] Jess: It is. And I want you all to hear me. It is okay for you to have needs. Mm-hmm it's okay for you to have preferences. It's okay. If you want something different or you have a special request mm-hmm it is okay for you to take up space.

[00:21:38] randi: Yep. In any way, shape and form, you can take up space with your emotions. Yep. You can take up space with your body. Yep. You do not owe anybody for that. It is okay for you to exist. You do not need to apologize for existing. 

[00:21:57] Jess: I just wanna take a moment of silence for that one. It just feels like we should have a moment of silence for people to say it is okay for you to take up space, whatever that looks 

[00:22:05] randi: like.

Yep. And say it to yourself. Yeah. Say self , Randy, whatever you wanna say, like Randy, it's okay for you to. In this space in this, as you are body, as you are like, you do not owe anybody else, any explanation or apology or apology or any, you don't owe anybody. Shit. you don't. Sorry. 

[00:22:29] Jess: Yeah. okay. How do we stop over, over, over apologizing, right, 

[00:22:35] randi: right.

Yeah. So like, how do we put this into effect? Like really break it down. How do we take the first steps to. Not apologizing again and again, and 

[00:22:47] Jess: again, awareness mm-hmm, noticing what you're thinking, what you are feeling, what you're saying, you know, it, it just being aware. The first thing is being aware of when do you say, I'm sorry, are you doing it?

Because it's just a, you're just doing it outta the top of your, yeah. It's automatic. It's automatic 

[00:23:05] randi: talking about it. Like put it into your consciousness that you don't need to apologize for everything. Pause. And start thinking, do I really need to apologize right. For this notice when you're over apologizing.

What's triggering you to over apologizing. 

[00:23:22] Jess: Yes. Are you feeling inadequate, right? Are you feeling like dumb? Are you feeling, I mean, what 

[00:23:28] randi: are you feeling? Is it tiredness like, or, or is it somebody or certain situations too, or triggers, triggers, triggers that you're just always over apologizing to. Certain person or that, for that certain situation.

So that way you're like paying attention to those thoughts and those triggers and those places. And maybe that is creating mm-hmm. like this kind of vortex where you're over apologizing again and again, 

[00:23:54] Jess: and again, the first piece of this is just being aware. Mm-hmm of when you do it, you can go, ah, crap. I did it again up shit.

[00:24:02] randi: There it is up crap. You're giving yourself permission and it's okay if you fuck up and keep over apologizing, as long as you're aware. And then you're like, No, I wasn't sorry for that. And just tell yourself I wasn't sorry for that. So next not, sorry. Yeah, next time. I do love that hashtag, sorry. Sorry, not sorry.

Um, because I say that all the time. I'm not really, why was I apologizing for that? I'm actually not sorry about that at all, but yeah. And it can be like, too, like maybe you were feeling anxious, you were worried, you were afraid or you were like out of your element. Mm-hmm and it's like, okay, next time you go into a situation like that.

Be like, okay. Usually I would over apologize maybe for this. So like, I'm gonna consciously think this time, even if I am feeling anxious, even I am feeling worried, like I'm gonna take a moment, take a breath, take a pause in my head and be like, am I, what is coming outta my mouth? Am I really sorry for this?

If not, don't say it 

[00:24:54] Jess: exactly question. Why are you feeling? Sorry. Did you do something? How bad was it? Are you taking re oh, this one, are you taking res are you owning somebody? Else's shit. Right? Are you owning their shit? And, and what is it? Or are you just feeling bad because of what's 

[00:25:11] randi: happening? Yeah. Is it like more like you're ashamed of something?

Are you anxious about something when you really didn't do something wrong or like you are. Perceiving that you're doing something wrong, but you're not. I think sometimes we can like go into situations and think we're less than, or like, you know, we're having low self-esteem or like, um, did your brain just explode?

My brain just exploded. Just explode. Yeah. Um, you are not feeling like worthy, you know, of something, something, and it's like, are, but are you really doing anything wrong? Like you can pause and be like, no, I'm not really, like, this is just my, you know, I'm just having like a mind fuck moment. Like right now, if you 

[00:25:53] Jess: don't know.

Ask your friend mm-hmm if you're not sure that, like I say, sorry for this, should I be sorry for that? Is it yours to own ask somebody you trust, ask a therapist. If you don't have a friend you can trust about it or if it's a with 

[00:26:08] randi: your friend. Oh yeah. And I've done that before, too. Like when I've been like situations.

Sometimes they've made me feel like I'm in the wrong. Yeah. And I, and then you start to think, oh, do I, maybe I am in the wrong. Did I do that wrong? Maybe I was being, you know, a bitch or I was stepping outta line or I was stepping outta boundaries and I'll be like, tell like trusted, like friends or like a therapist or whatever.

Like, this is what happened. This is what I said. Like was I in the wrong, do I need to apologize most of the time? They're like, no, you are not in the wrong. And I'm like, not, these are not friends that would like sugarcoat, you know, things for me. Yeah. Most of mine don't sugarcoat. Yeah. They would be like, oh yeah, like you are totally like an asshole or like, no.

Wow. You weren't, like you said that. Yeah. Like, but like, you know, most of the time they're like, no, You know, the person really knows you too. Like they should know like your intention too, behind some things and not misconstrue that. I 

[00:27:03] Jess: talked about it before and I'll keep doing it. But we do in our house is rephrasing, like do overs.

We do the do overs, right? You go, I'm sorry. And then you can immediately go actually. What I mean to say is, do you have, you know, 

[00:27:15] randi: right. Worship? Yeah. You can take it back, like, be like, I'm sorry. Wait. No, I am practicing on. Not saying I'm sorry. I do not really mean, I'm sorry. I mean this, this and this. Not like, I'm sorry.

My food is cold. Like if you're at a restaurant like, wait, no, I'm not sorry. This food is cold. Like, can you do something about it? Thank. 

[00:27:37] Jess: One of the ones I use. I there's two of 'em that I use a lot, one, because I'm always late. I was always saying, sorry for being late. I'm so sorry. And then I give all this stuff why I was late, why I was late.

Cause I'm ADHD. Yeah. Get my 

[00:27:50] randi: explain, 

[00:27:50] Jess: explain and explain. Right. And now I just say thank you for your patience. Yeah. Thank you 

[00:27:55] randi: for waiting for me. Thank you for waiting. I appreciate that. Like, and if, um, you know, we've had that conversation too. We talked about that before, like you were late one day, like when we were doing something and then you were like, okay, like you only have this amount of time and that's like on me, like, you're not gonna overextend yourself for me.

And you own that. Like it wasn. That's just what it is. And I feel like that breeds like better communication too. 

[00:28:21] Jess: Yeah. And it's okay that I was running late. It's okay. That, you know, I, whatever, but I do, I, and I say, thank you for your patience. Mm-hmm , you know, even if it takes me two weeks to get back to an email, right.

Thank you for your patience while I got back to you. Yeah. I mean, cuz that's all I can offer. Mm-hmm um, the other one I do a lot is unfortunately, Unfortunately, this isn't working for me, unfortunately, you know, I, I, this needs to be fixed or unfortunately, you know, there needs to be some changes. 

[00:28:49] randi: Yeah. Or another one is just saying like, excuse me.

Like, if you're like, in that situation, like you were in dude, where the dude ran into you. Well, personally, I would've been like, excuse me, like, did you just see what you did? Because 

[00:29:01] Jess: I have attitude and y'all, don't even see that she just rolled her head. Roller eyes and like, 

[00:29:06] randi: yeah. And so, um, like, did you not just notice that you bumped into me?

Like that's more, what have come outta my mouth, but like, instead of apologizing or if you do need to move around somebody or you need, you're asking them to move, just be like, instead of being like, I'm sorry, like, can you do this? Like, it's an inconvenience just to be like, excuse me. Like, can I get around you?

Like, are I need, excuse me, I need to get this item. The shelf or like, excuse me, like, can you hand me like that paper over there? What, you know, whatever it is. 

[00:29:34] Jess: Pardon me? Pardon of me? Mm-hmm I need to get by. Yeah. Or I say, excuse us, I'm used to having my little one with me and now that she's not so little, she's a Twain.

I'm always saying, excuse us. And it's just me. It's just me, just me and my imaginary friend saying, excuse us, through the grocery store. And people will look and I'm like, no, no, it it's just me. I'm I'm just calling myself S now. 

[00:29:52] randi: Yeah. So that's fine because you can call yourself whatever you want. Right. I guess a new pronoun.

Yeah, exactly. And a part of it comes with that is like being more assertive. Yes. Like. Owning what you wanna say, owning your feelings about it, your space. Yes. Owning your space, like being okay in that. And just saying like, instead of saying, sorry, I have a question, like, say, just say I have a question mm-hmm and maybe if you do notice like that person's in a rush or things like that, you can say, I have a question.

Can you answer it right now? Or can you get back to me at a later time? Oh, that's a good 

[00:30:26] Jess: one. Yeah. Yeah. Do you have time to answer this? Mm. I have a question. Do you have the moment, right? Like you 

[00:30:32] randi: do with your husband too, when you ask him, like, instead of saying like, sorry, I need to like vent to you. You say, do you have time for me to bring vent to you right now?

Or download, as you say and um, you know, he can tell you, yes, no. Or like skip pencil me in for this time, you know? 

[00:30:52] Jess: And, and most of the time saying, I'm sorry, like for my daughter's just a habit. Right, right. And I just, I really wanna change that habit with her cuz I'm so afraid it's going to, again, I, you know, my, my first thought was gonna say, I was afraid it's gonna make her seem weak or look weak.

Mm-hmm and I don't want her to do that. Right. Right. She's so powerful and so amazing. Right. And she doesn't have to apologize for the space she's taking up yeah. 

[00:31:15] randi: Or who she is or what she thinks or how. Feels, and it is, it is a really bad habit to break mm-hmm and it's a really hard habit to break because like you said, we see it in society.

We see it in movies. We've watched our mothers do it. We've watched our grandmothers do it. Like we watch our friends do it. And that's why I tell my friends too, like stop apologizing to me. Like I'm giving you permission to not apologize to me. Yeah. Call me 

[00:31:41] Jess: out when I apologize. And 

[00:31:42] randi: I don't need to.

Exactly. And yeah. Vice versa. Like, yeah. Tell me like, if I'm doing it too, and it's like, hold each other, like accountable to not apologizing. So you can change that habit. And that pattern. I 

[00:31:55] Jess: do that to women in like the grocery stores who apologize. Right. Mm-hmm and I'll say you don't need to say sorry for that.

Yeah. And they'll kinda look at. And I'm like, you don't need to apologize. It's fine. Yep. There's no apology needed, like 

[00:32:07] randi: the store clerk, like yeah. You know, the nurse at the doctor's office, whoever it is. If it's not something that they need to own, I tell them, yeah, you did you 

[00:32:15] Jess: step on my toe. That's different.

Right. If you stepped on my foot. Okay. You can apologize. Right. You know, when I took Russian in undergrad. Yeah. I took Russian. Oh my gosh. Speak. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, don't even ask. I took Russian three years. The one thing I remember is they say ni Chivo. I probably pronounce it wrong. I'm so sorry. but basically, instead of saying, sorry.

Yeah, it's like saying, Hey, no problem. I, I, I won't do it again. Right. Nichi vote. Don't do it again. It's fine. Yeah. Hmm be Chivo. Yeah, but I kinda like it cuz you're like going like, oh, I'm sorry. Right. You're just like, and then they're like, yeah, yeah, fine. Just 

[00:32:47] randi: don't do it again. It's like, eh, eh, you know, like not a big deal.

Like I feel like, sorry is be like this heavy, like thing, like you really like are indebted. Like, and it's like this emotional connotation with it like that you are like taking like your whole soul and like apologizing for this. And like, that's not what it is. Cuz we just throw it out there. Like so blankly.

[00:33:09] Jess: And going back to the Barbie video mm-hmm right. I mean, she described it so beautifully. I I'm just like, I, it is so sad though, that Barbie is describing how to not say sorry to our little girls. Mm-hmm and that's just showing you how much of it is in our society. 

[00:33:28] randi: Yeah. How prevalent it is. Yeah. And, um, and that you need to give them permission too, to stop apologizing.

For their space. Yeah. You know, and 

[00:33:38] Jess: their words. Yeah. Well, and I do, I wanna, I'm gonna scroll for two seconds. Right? We don't have to apologize for like, like my daughter, she, the other day had to get up early and it's been a long summer of sleeping in mm-hmm and she got mad, slammed the door, stomped off.

She doesn't have to apologize for being tired, but maybe we could look on, she could have handled the behavior differently. Mm-hmm right. And that's it. I could have handled it differently. Hey, you know, it was different than saying I'm sorry. I was tired. I'm sorry. I was upset, right? No, she was upset and she was tired.

She had to get up early. That'ss valid, but the behavior was a little different. We can talk about our behavior and that was the squirrel I wanted to go down well, and 

[00:34:19] randi: that's good because you can concentrate it to like it wasn't this overall. Everything you need to apologize for like let's focus on or not even saying like, I'm sorry, but how can we do this better next time?

That's my 

[00:34:32] Jess: do over. Okay. So how can you do that differently? And sometimes she'll be like, I don't know, roll her eyes and stop out. Yeah. I don't care. Like don't 

[00:34:39] randi: care, 

[00:34:40] Jess: but you know, and then she'll come back in 20 minutes and go, okay. I could have 

[00:34:45] randi: done this well, and I think that's too same in a lot of relationships, especially if you have communication issues or like, if it's something that is like heated or emotional, like you can say like a lot of things, like you don't mean, and you can come back and be like, okay, wait.

Like I could have, so I apologize for my part and this, or this specific, you know, part that I said wrong, or I handled wrong, but like the rest of this, I meant, but 

[00:35:11] Jess: well, and right. You don't have to go. I'm sorry. We fought. I'm sorry. I caused us to fi I'm sorry. I'm. 

[00:35:18] randi: Well, yep. Say that again. I'm sorry. I caused us to fight.

I'm sorry. No, no, no, no. Caused to fight. Yes. Yeah, no, no. It takes two 

[00:35:24] Jess: to tan. I tried to catch that one. Good catch. Yeah. I tried to 

[00:35:26] randi: fix that real quick. Yeah. Yeah. But it takes two to tango. And remember that, you know, communication two way, actually it's probably like a rush hour, like traffic freeway that you're trying to Dodge merge onto and 

[00:35:38] Jess: then exit and to a different, you know, interpass, this is the 

[00:35:41] randi: past.

This is a lot of work, but like we were talking about, um, previously with like anxiety. Um, and you know, working on your behaviors and your habits and stuff, mm-hmm , this is the same way. It's like a muscle that you need to work on. Yeah. Like you need to bring it to the forefront that I, um, am going to stop, you know, utilizing this behavior.

I'm gonna replace it with a new behavior. And the benefits of that, of being like encouraged and like bolstering your self-esteem mm-hmm and feeling more in control of who you are and owning like your words and owning your space and being more concise in your communication. Like it, you think like it's like such a little thing, like to, you know, not apologize so much, but it's huge.

[00:36:26] Jess: It is. So it is so good for your soul mm-hmm and I really wanna encourage people to just pick some different statements. Like I said, mine is unfortunately, And the other one is thank you for your 

[00:36:37] randi: patience. Yeah. Something that just feels like natural to you. Mm-hmm and that you just wanna like own it and practice that.

And same thing. It goes along, you know, hand in hand with like the boundaries mm-hmm and stuff too. Like, this is a boundary I'm gonna, you know, respect myself. I'm gonna respect my feelings. I'm gonna respect my space. I'm gonna respect the word. Sorry. And that I wanted it to hold true. Meaning. You 

[00:37:00] Jess: know, when I utilize that, I say, sorry, I want it to really truly be a word that somebody recognizes as a deep emotion.

Like I'm, I'm truly, sorry, not sorry. Sorry. Sorry. 

[00:37:10] randi: Right. So yeah, so that it holds weight and it holds value and then you're putting that value back into yourself. Yeah. 

[00:37:16] Jess: And maybe we can put up some different statements. Like I said, I've used, um, unfortunately I used thank you for your patience. Those felt really awkward in the beginning.

Mm-hmm . Mm. Now it's just second nature to do, 

[00:37:28] randi: do it. Yeah. And then that becomes, you know, your habit mm-hmm and it's natural, but yeah. Um, you guys can go to Randy and Jess podcast.com and we will put up some free resources there for you guys about, um, understanding this communication and statements that you can use to replace.

Yeah. Practice, practice, practice, and give yourself grace. It's okay. If you keep doing it, you know, again and again, as long as you're. Thinking about it and mm-hmm, trying to change it. If that's something you want to change. Yes. You know, and that you wanna do, like, only, like if you don't care about it, then that's fine.

Fine too. Let it go. Nobody, you know, like that's not a big deal either, but if it's something that like, You know, ways on you mm-hmm and you think would empower you more and help your mental health and help your, you know, communication, it will help your mental health. 

[00:38:15] Jess: It will, it's going to help 

[00:38:16] randi: your mental health.

It did. It helped me like flip a lot of switches. Yeah. You know, for myself and feeling more in control and that I was valuable and that I had something to contribute and things like that. Like it did really change like my perception of things. And so well, And 

[00:38:31] Jess: I'm gonna interrupt. I'm sorry. No, it's go ahead.

Your perception of yourself. Mm-hmm and I, I don't want everyone out there if you're still listening. I always do this. If you're still listening at the end if you still hung out, you are worthy. You are valuable, you, you just existing and, and taking your space. It is so empowering when you can do that. So please just stop apologizing for being who you are own it and love it and just, just be it.

[00:38:57] randi: Yeah. Stop apologizing. Like give yourself a little bit of love and kindness today, if you can. Yep. And we will talk to you guys next week. All right. 

[00:39:07] Jess: See ya. Bye. 1, 

[00:39:09] randi: 2, 3, 4. Thanks for listening and normalizing mental health with us. 

[00:39:14] Jess: Don't for, to check out our free resources and favorites on our website, unapologetically Randy and jess.com 

[00:39:20] randi: like, and share this episode and tune in next week.

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Sorry Not Sorry Podcast S1 Ep 8

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