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The Myth of 50/50: How to Find Balance in Your Marriage

Marriage 50/50
The Myth of 50/50: How to Find Balance in Your Marriage

Marriage 50/50. Are you tired of feeling like you're constantly falling short in your marriage? Join us as we debunk the myth of the 50/50 rule and explore the importance of communication, vulnerability, and teamwork in achieving a healthy, fulfilling relationship. In this episode, we delve into researcher and author Brene Brown's information. We discuss the impact of marriage dynamics on mental health and share practical tips and relationship advice for navigating these challenges. If you're seeking to improve your marriage communication and overcome the obstacles of unrealistic expectations, this episode is a must-listen.

If you're looking for resources to help manage the challenges of balancing marriage and finding a healthy equilibrium, our podcast episode on “The Myth of 50/50: How to Find Balance in Your Marriage” is a great place to start. In this episode, we explore the common misconception that marriage is a 50/50 partnership and share practical tips and tools for achieving balance and compromise in your relationship.

We also delve into the importance of communication, vulnerability, and teamwork in building a strong foundation for your marriage. Additionally, we discuss the insights the role of trust and vulnerability in building a healthy, fulfilling marriage. Join us as we explore the complexities of marriage dynamics and expectations and share tips for achieving balance and harmony in your relationship.

We're excited to announce that our upcoming podcast episodes will explore a range of important topics related to marriage and relationship health. From managing marriage struggles and conflict resolution to problem solving and growth, we'll be sharing insights and practical tools for achieving a healthy, fulfilling marriage. We'll also be discussing the importance of commitment, support, and satisfaction in building a strong foundation for your relationship and improving your marriage through vulnerability and trust.

Whether you're a newlywed or have been married for years, these upcoming episodes are a must-listen for anyone seeking to improve their relationship and overcome the challenges of marriage dynamics. Stay tuned for more valuable insights and relationship advice!

Topics we talk about:

What does “Marriage is never 50/50” mean?

“Marriage is never 50/50” means that each partner in a marriage will not always be able to contribute equally in terms of effort, time, or energy. It's important to recognize that each partner has different strengths and weaknesses and to work together to find a balance that works for both individuals.

How can I improve communication in my Marriage 50/50?

Improving communication in your marriage requires active listening, empathy, and a willingness to compromise. It's important to express your feelings and needs clearly and to listen to your partner's perspective without judgment. Seeking the help of a licensed therapist can also be beneficial.

What are some common marriage conflicts and how can they be resolved?

Common marriage conflicts include disagreements over finances, parenting, and household responsibilities. These conflicts can be resolved through open communication, compromise, and seeking the help of a therapist if needed.

How can I support my partner during difficult times in our marriage?

Supporting your partner during difficult times in your marriage requires empathy, active listening, and a willingness to be present and supportive. It's important to validate your partner's feelings and needs and to offer practical and emotional support as needed.

How important is commitment in a Marriage 50/50?

Commitment is a crucial component of a healthy marriage. It involves a willingness to work through challenges and to prioritize the relationship above individual needs and desires.

How can I continue to grow and improve my Marriage 50/50?

Continuing to grow and improve your marriage requires a commitment to ongoing communication, self-reflection, and personal growth. Seeking the help of a therapist or attending couples counseling can also be beneficial.

What are some signs that my marriage may need professional help?

Signs that your marriage may need professional help include frequent conflict, a lack of intimacy or connection, and feeling stuck or unable to resolve issues on your own.

What are some common Marriage 50/50 expectations and how can they be managed?

Common marriage expectations include expectations around roles, responsibilities, and communication. These expectations can be managed through open communication, compromise, and a willingness to be flexible and adaptable.

How can I achieve balance in my Marriage 50/50?

Achieving balance in your marriage requires a willingness to communicate openly and honestly with your partner, to set realistic expectations, and to prioritize self-care and personal growth. Seeking the help of a therapist or attending couples counseling can also be beneficial in achieving balance in your relationship.

Ways to Unwind and Relax

Meditative, Relaxing, Mental Health Coloring books developed by licensed psychotherapists Randi Owsley and Jessica Bullwinkle – Available on Amazon Today!

Transcript

Marriage 50/50

1, 2, 3, 4. Hi friends, it's Randy and Jess, and we're gonna cut the bullshit and let's get into women's mental health.

[00:00:14] Randi: Welcome to the Women's Mental Health Podcast with Randy and Jess. We're two licensed psychotherapists where we talk about mental health, wellbeing, and strategies for coping with life challenges and how it's all normal.

[00:00:27] Jess: You are in the right place, my friends.

[00:00:29] Randi: Welcome to today's podcast episode where we're going to dive into the concept of marriage not being 50 50 not a 50 50 partnership. Right?

[00:00:40] Jess: Yes. You said not a 50 50 partnership. Yes. Not. Recently, Brene Brown. You know, I love my Brene Brown.

Everybody does, ? She went through and like shed light on how it's important to have a conversation and that marriage is not 50 50, ? Mm-hmm. , and so I wanted to talk more about that, , because, you know,, I also love zn. Right. And

[00:01:00] Randi: she's like, she is like, it

[00:01:01] Jess: should be 50 50. They should be doing

[00:01:03] Randi: their part.

Yeah, everybody equal all the time. And so if you guys have more questions and want more resources too, we're just gonna throw out. You can find us on women's mental health podcast.com and we're gonna jump into this episode. Have you ever had these

[00:01:18] Jess: thoughts? What does a 50 50 marriage actually look

[00:01:21] Randi: like?

How do I meet the needs of our relationship without feeling resentment? How do

[00:01:28] Jess: I ask for and how? What do I ask for in a way that I'll be

[00:01:31] Randi: heard? Why isn't my partner reading my mind, right? Why are they not mind readers? How do they not know this? By now? Do I

[00:01:40] Jess: even know what I want or need physically or emotionally?

[00:01:46] Randi: Does a 50 50 relationship mean that you're keeping score of everything? It's like a tit for tat, which,

[00:01:53] Jess: oh God, that would suck. So I bet a lot of people do that. They do. That's what, that's the problem. They think they're supposed to, . And so I think it's really confusing. And so I know, , bene she did an interview a couple of years ago.

It recently just popped up again, ? Mm-hmm. , and it was really cool because the way she described her and her husband, Been, it seemed like, oh, well that makes a lot of sense, but now , when we also apply that with what, what you were talking about earlier with Z, ? Mm-hmm. Like I would love to get the two of them together for dinner and see like how that went, right?

That's right. Like let's get the two of them together. So, okay, let's go into more. So what does a 50 50 marriage mean?

[00:02:31] Randi: If everything was equal across the board. So you all did the same amount of work, , income caregiving for your kids cleaning, and is that really realistic?

[00:02:42] Jess: If I clean a bathroom, you clean a bathroom. Right? Or if you clean the master, I clean two of the guests. Right. Okay. So that seems so like very like

[00:02:50] Randi: reciprocal. Would you call that reciprocal, like you do this, I do this, you do this, I do this. Like back and forth, back and forth.

[00:02:57] Jess: I don't know.

That feels more like a compromise or like a bargain, ? Mm-hmm. But sometimes we think 50 50 means we do the exact same.

[00:03:04] Randi: , and is that even possible?

[00:03:06] Jess: Yeah, I don't think so. . Giving the exact sameness and equality rather than what the relationship needs. . And that's an interesting concept of when you say like,, what does the relationship need, ?

So why does a 50 50 marriage not work?

[00:03:20] Randi: Nobody is ever gonna be a hundred all the time. If we're talking about percentages too, like if you come and you're like, okay, I'm gonna give a hundred percent every day, every time I show up, do you do that for yourself, for your kids, for your work?

[00:03:35] Jess: , oh, definitely not for myself. You have to. I mean, think about it. We do not do that for ourselves. No.

[00:03:39] Randi: Are we gonna always show up in our marriage? Putting that in or putting into like our chores, like a hundred percent. Some days we feel off. So what Brene Brown is suggesting is more kind of like an 80 20.

 If you're at a 20% that day and you're dragging, you tell your partner, I can't. I'm just not up to it today. And they're like, okay, I got, I got it today. I can cover you this, or like, maybe I'll make dinner or , maybe I'll, , pick the kids up from school, whatever that looks like, or today I could do 80% and you can chill. The thing with this is that you need to have open communication about it or it's not gonna work. Any of it. Your marriage just isn't gonna work without good communication.

[00:04:23] Jess: .

And I know she was talking about if we have a rigid balance of tasks, ? Mm-hmm. If I do this, you do this, I do this, you do this. . That isn't gonna give us the empathy or understanding we need. ? Right. That's where that resentment comes in because. If I'm like, well, I did my part.

Why did you not do your part today? Mm-hmm. That's where it comes in and gets really frustrating. , right. But a lot of women, I don't even know if they go through and talk about this communication that you were just talking about with their husbands, right? Like,

[00:04:52] Randi: no, they just, we, I think like as women too, like we just get stuff done and just do it.

And like we talk about in our kin keeping episode, it's just like an invisible workload and we just do and do and do. And, but then sometimes we take on so much that we're just so overwhelmed and overburdened, but because we never had this conversation like, Hey, I need help. Like, can you see like I'm, you know, flailing over here, I'm drowning on all this.

And if we don't say anything, how are they gonna know, you know, if there's no communication happening. And like you said, like they're not a mi, nobody's a mind reader. You know, so, um,

[00:05:30] Jess: yeah. Was it yesterday? The day before I sent Randy a meme? It was, um, I don't like Peppa Pig or something. I don't know who it was, but like I says, mom is not.

Mom does not. Mom is not an over packer. Right. It's just that the rest of the family is under fucking, under fucking prepared. Right. And it's so true cuz I just went on a trip and I'm like, I had all of this shit in my bag.

[00:05:51] Randi: Well I always say like, I was a Girl scout for like forever, so I always say Girl Scout motto.

It's like always be prepared. And it's like, so I'm always like, I have something for everything. But then you know, like this last time we went on a trip, I said, you guys are on your own and if you don't have it too bad. And my husband was like, where's this? And I'm like, I don't know. Like. Well, so we go on it.

I told you to pack

[00:06:10] Jess: yourself so well. We go on and somebody's like my tummy ache. I'm like, oh, would you like a Kao picnic dick? Right? Would you? You're

[00:06:16] Randi: like, hold, would you like this your Mary Poppins bag, right? Yes. Like you're pulling out like all this. I feel like that's like life, like we have like a Mary Poppins bag, like in our marriage, in our life.

Like, hold on. Like what's up? I have a sign that my family bought me that says, if mom can't find it, then nobody can. That's true. And but that's the thing though, is it? Is it true or do we make it true because we step in and always fix the problem? Okay, so

[00:06:42] Jess: I don't even know what to say on this one cuz you know what, you're right.

If mom can't find it, the it doesn't exist or it's lost. Right. But I think sometimes it's like they look and they look and they're like, okay, I don't

[00:06:52] Randi: know. Well, I can't it. Well, I she, but they know that they can fall back on you and that's why. Sometimes when we go into a marriage or a relationship and we have this idea of 50 50 and then it fails us because it's not realistic, you know, and it's like when we talk to about like short term goals and like realistic goals, like it's, this isn't a realistic thing to have in a marriage.

It needs to ebb and flow. You know, some days you can give a hundred, some days you can give 10% some days. And so that's why the idea that a 50 50 marriage should work, can be detrimental. You

[00:07:26] Jess: know, and you know what's interesting is because I've talked before that my husband's a disabled vet. Mm-hmm. And a couple of weeks ago, we were trying to get, like, I was like, look, I need help figuring out the lawn sprinklers.

Right. Like, I, not that I need help, but I need you to participate. Right, right. Because like, I don't know, something is dying. Sometimes you don't. Where it's need

[00:07:43] Randi: support too. Like, just like stand there and like be like, yeah, okay or no, like, let's try this. I don't

[00:07:50] Jess: know. Well, and it was, it was, I didn't have enough time.

Our daughter needed to go to a party that afternoon. Mm-hmm. And then I was like, he was doing it and I was like, oh, I'll just, I, I got this right, like I know what I'm doing. And he was like, you don't need me here. And then I thought about it, you know, I was like, okay. So one, I didn't wanna crush his, you know, go his, you know, spirit.

Mm-hmm. And I was like, okay, let's look at what we can do. Right. I was like, I can go through and crawl around and figure out all this lawn stuff, right? Mm-hmm. I said, but I can't do that and take our daughter to and from

[00:08:21] Randi: this party. Right? So I do need you, but I need you in this aspect.

[00:08:25] Jess: Yeah. I said, what can you, he was like, I can do the driving.

I was like, great, because he couldn't reach down and grab down Right. And do all the stuff that he needed because of the disability. Right? Yeah. And so I was like, okay, I will do that. You do the driving, it is the same time. Mm-hmm. Right. It really was about the same time component. Right. Of what it took to do all of that.

And so that to me was that, is the, the what she talks about, like the give and take dance kind of thing. Right, right. Where, you know, instead of saying like, I'll drive her there, you pick her up, that's 50 50. Mm-hmm. Right. I'm gonna take care of this if you can, you know, and you can do that right?

[00:09:02] Randi: And see how, when you just say that, like it makes you feel like, ooh, like, oh, the way that, the way that you word it, the way that you talk about it, the way you approach it, can all change the dynamic of your relationship and what's happening within it, which is why communication and having compassion and empathy, Instead of feeling like you're like in this rigid, you know, like rule set that you have to follow and there's no bend, and then you're like, you know, hitting your head against a wall because you're not going anywhere with that because life isn't like that.

You know, things change. You know, we don't go into our marriage or relationship thinking like, Oh, I'm gonna have to care, you know, for my partner or I'm gonna have to, you know, go to work. Like maybe you thought you were gonna be a stay-at-home mom and like finance this change and you have to go to work.

Or maybe, you know, one of you is injured and then you're caring for that person. Maybe you end up having a child with special needs and it throws your whole, you know, freaking world out the window. Okay. Like life is not made to be rigid. We have to learn to flex within these, and that's why marriage needs to be, it changes every day.

[00:10:11] Jess: It does change and it's about communication. Mm-hmm. And you know, and I found in that moment that I was getting frustrated and so was he. Right, right. Because he was like, well, I can't do anything here. And I was like, well, I'm doing everything. And instead of really looking at, wait, wait, wait, let's just look at this again because you know, we talk about time as time.

Right. And so it was able to get it done. He was able to do the driving. Right. That is something that he can do. And I was able to figure out why our sprinklers weren't working. Right.

[00:10:42] Randi: But see, this is where the, you had like this growth mindset and this was, so you had generosity and you had a willingness to support each other.

Cuz he was like, okay, I see you won't be able to do this. You're like, I see you won't be able to do this, but you can do this and I can do this. So let's, and that's not like, I feel like when we say partnership too, I think team is like a better word for that too. Like cuz then you were really compromising and you were a team and you showed up for each other, you know, that day instead of letting, it could have like blown up, right?

Like easily.

[00:11:19] Jess: Oh it could have, you know, and that's what he says. Um, is that Jack Johnson song? We're Better Together. Mm.

[00:11:24] Randi: Right. I love him so much. Banana Pancake.

[00:11:26] Jess: Okay. Right. Fair. But he was like, we're better together. Right. We are a team together. Right. Because we, we both bring in

[00:11:32] Randi: something. But you find that with connection, compassion, understanding.

Empathy. Empathy, vulnerability. Oh, and communication. Vulnerability is so hard. It's so hard because you don't sometimes wanna, and I'm very much. I'm like, I'll just do it myself. Like, watch me or watch me do it. I'm not gonna wait for you. And then I get like all pissy and I'm like, okay, I'm not being very like, you know, vulnerable like that.

Maybe I can't do this, you know, or whatever, or, anyways. But anyways, so when you put up those roadblocks like that, it d it impedes your relationship in your or your marriage because that stuff equals. Connection and intimacy. Well, right. And then the bedroom like that all comes in a full circle for us as women.

Well, and

[00:12:21] Jess: men. And we all wanna be valued. Mm-hmm. And PRI prioritized. That's so hard. Right. We all want to be important in our relationships. Right. And then for someone to be like, well, I don't even know why you need me. I'm not even here. Right. Right. It's like, well, I need you and I want you here. Yeah. But maybe it's, it's also being it in a way that, you know, makes them feel and, and truly that you feel they are a priority.

[00:12:47] Randi: Right. And especially too like, Depending on what like their love language is too. Mm-hmm. Like if it's acts of service or if it's, you know, words of affirmation or things like that. Like if you're not communicating that or showing those things, then you're not creating like that environment that your relationship can grow in.

And then if you don't feel safe, You're not gonna be able to have open communication, you're not gonna be able to have that vulnerability. You're not gonna be able to say what you need, what you want, or if you're scared or if you have a fear, or if you, you know, have a desire, things like that. You're not gonna be able to have that in that environment.

She said

[00:13:24] Jess: desire, and I just thought like kinky sex. I'm so sorry. I don't know. Well, I

[00:13:27] Randi: was, I actually thought that too, in my head did, was in

[00:13:30] Jess: the look you gave like that desired I'm like, desire. Oh, she's talking like sex. I am

[00:13:34] Randi: because like for us, For, I feel like especially as women too, and men, like you said, like if you don't feel wanted as a whole mm-hmm.

Like that's gonna affect your sex life. Mm-hmm. Especially as you're older and you like, don't have time for the bullshit, you know, you're just like, sorry, like you gotta check off all the boxes or it's not happening.

[00:13:55] Jess: Okay. So, So how can we, I'm gonna put, pull this back here for a sec. Yeah. How can we implement, like all of what we just talked about in our own marriages or long-term partnerships to where we feel that we are valued and where we have this, you know, not 50 50, but this give and take in this mm-hmm.

This ability to communicate

[00:14:17] Randi: Well, I think a lot of it comes down to like, to like, Um, self-care and self-awareness. Like if you're feeling resentment or if you're feeling frustrated or you're feeling confused, kind of be like, okay, where is this coming from and what, or what is also triggering me? Uh,

[00:14:35] Jess: you're saying, talking about your triggers?

Mm-hmm. And looking at like your f. Fears or, right. Or for, I'm, I'm pointing at myself here. You're like, any insecurities you have. Right. Right. Because sometimes it's our own crap that pops

[00:14:47] Randi: up. Right. Or situations that might, like for me, it's like when I ask, you know, I need help with this, and I feel like pressure, like a time on it, and he's not like, yeah, like, right on.

And I'm like, what the, you know, why get your ass up and help me? You know, and,

[00:15:03] Jess: but you know what Randy is, a lot of us don't actually say, Do you have the time, right? No, it's to do this, it's just, I'm like, do this, like right. I would like this. I need this done by

[00:15:14] Randi: this time. Right? So there was no communication, right?

I'm just mad because I let my own time or my thing get away, or I have my own plan in my head and I haven't even told him about it. And exa, and same thing. I'm thinking, he should know. He should read my mind. And then that ends up in a spiral. And this is the thing. We need to slow down, take a breath. Talk to ourselves, check in, figure out like why does this keep, if it keeps happening, like why, you know?

So what you're

[00:15:42] Jess: talking about is having self-awareness. Mm-hmm. And taking. Responsibility for our own emotional wellbeing. Right? I mean, so many of us expect our partners to make us happy. Right? And that's Or, and that that doesn't

[00:15:57] Randi: happen. That doesn't happen. And I, that's so funny. I don't even know we were listening.

Oh, so. We just saw the new Spider-Man movie. Oh, I wanna see that. So good. I loved it more than the first one, surprisingly. And one of the new top songs for it is called Self-Love, and it's though, it's about like the girl, she's far away from home and he wants to love her, but he doesn't love himself yet.

Oh, and he wants all these things from her, but like he doesn't know himself yet. He doesn't, and you know, they're teenagers in the movie, but that like hit me. I'm getting like goosebumps right now because I feel like I. We do that. We put so much thinking. If I just find the one, if I just find my person, if I just do this, if I just get married, if I just go out on one more date, like it's gonna be right this time.

And a lot of the times we don't wanna stop and look at ourselves. I'm putting out myself too. We don't wanna pause, we don't wanna think about it. Like what's the common denominator yourself? And you cannot fully love somebody else. Until you love yourself and unconditional love, it's very, very, very hard to come by and we think that we're gonna get that, and it's not very realistic.

[00:17:14] Jess: Yeah, I mean, we do. We just wanna be loved unconditionally, which also means I. We have to love ourselves and our partners unconditionally. Right. And, and we, a lot of us have grown up, especially from previous generations. Yeah. We're not gonna yell out the generations

[00:17:31] Randi: intent.

[00:17:32] Jess: Right. But like a lot of us have learned conditional love.

Yes. Right. You do this, I love you if you do this, I love you, versus I love you no matter what. Mm-hmm. And so I've done really good. Well, I think I've done a good job with my, my youngest saying. I love you no matter what, right? Yes. This isn't a tipper tat you're doing the dishes because that's a chore.

Right. Not because that's how you show, you know, you know,

[00:17:56] Randi: I love you. Right? And you're part of the family. Like this is a responsibility. Yeah. But not because of, and I tell my kids that too, because I had one parent who was very conditional. And I say, I might be angry with you right now. I might be disappointed in your choices right now since I have a teenager.

You know, this is common, but I love you and I will always show up for you, even if I'm angry, even if I'm mad, even if I don't like you right now. Like. I will still always love you no matter what. Mm-hmm. So that they know that it's okay for them to f up and they can still talk to me about it because I'm not gonna shame them.

You know? Of course they're still probably, you know, they know, oh God, mom's gonna get mad, or dad's gonna get mad. But they know in the end, still, we're gonna be there for the long game. You know, we're not going anywhere. We're not gonna be like, We're not talking about this or ignoring it or they're gonna be cut off or whatever.

Cuz I've been down that route in my own family, you know, where I've been like cut off. Because it's like you're not doing the right thing. And it's like so

[00:18:58] Jess: many families do that, right?

[00:19:00] Randi: So many families, families, I don't get it cuz I just look at my kids and you put so much into being a parent and raising a kid that you're just like, I understand when it's harming themselves and, but usually like, If you're doing something that's like that, like you're putting somebody in rehab or you're having like an intervention or something that's coming from a place of love, you know, where you have to like cut off the person.

But I'm just talking like every day, like, you know, mine was just like, I just don't like the way you spend money. Like I feel, I was like, okay. You know what I mean? Like, but whatever. Anyways, so you know, when we have all of these restrictions on our relationship, how is it going to thrive?

[00:19:42] Jess: That's the thing.

It isn't going to thrive. And we just like what you were talking about with your kids, right? Or your parents, is that we put all of these rules and expectations on somebody versus having a conversation.

[00:19:55] Randi: Right. And also too, like you were talking about bringing in trauma and like family history or like the way your parents' marriage was or whatever.

I. Talk about that with your partner so they know, because sometimes we don't know what our partner has been through or what they saw in their parents' relationship or their parents' boyfriends or girlfriends or whatever that they saw that they think is right. You know, even if it's not healthy, it just might be like what all that they know.

And if you don't have an idea of that, how can you deal with it?

[00:20:25] Jess: Or if you're being triggered by the, what you saw. Mm-hmm. Right, right. Like, Hey, I'm feeling triggered right now because of this. Right, right. Like, I love all the recent reels I've been watching about like Gen X and like, you know, oh gosh, we didn't have trigger warnings and we didn't have a bot.

I mean, they're just so, they're funny, right. But like, they're so interesting to talk about that. Right? Like I think our younger generation is now learning the trigger warnings. Right. And they're learning. That there are

[00:20:52] Randi: triggers and so, and better communication, which I

[00:20:55] Jess: hope it leads them to a better partnership and a better relationship with who they are and with, with their future partners.

Mm-hmm. Right. Mm-hmm. Because, you know, remember marriage and partnerships, their journey. I mean, I feel like Nike, like Woo is a journey, right? But like, it takes effort and, and under

[00:21:12] Randi: it's a lot of work. So, I mean, just. Don't do it if you're like not into that, but I don't suggest it. It's getting cheesy.

She's making me laugh today. I've been married for almost 19 years and it's not been an easy road. Like I don't want you to think you're alone in this and like this bitch, she's been married forever. No, like, I mean, I've left my husband like I've filed for a divorce. Marriage is not easy like we have far our way back.

We have a story that is not very common for that, you know, because. Of learning and a lot of therapy of how to communicate and how to understand ourselves better, you

[00:21:49] Jess: know? But I just have to say, right. I was out recently with Randy and her family and I loved the looks cuz I knew what was happening. I loved the looks.

Her husband was giving her, he's having a conversation with me and he looks over at her and she's having another conversation with somebody else and he kinda gives her this look. And I just started chuckling cuz I was like, I know what that is. Yeah. Right. Because he's, and he understands,

[00:22:12] Randi: don't need Toand her.

Yeah. At this point we can have, you know, silent conversations like with our body language and faces one. And it's really funny too, because my daughter had gotten this popular game. I think she had seen it like on TikTok or something. It's called like wavelengths. And you have to guess. So like you have like a subject and you have to guess where it is, like on this board, the where the person thinks like their, their thought process of where they would put this, like high on a scale or low on a scale.

And then you guess what their guess is. My husband and I, we. Always win because we have been together so long that we understand

[00:22:56] Jess: what I wanna stop for a second. It's not cuz you've been together for so long. No, it's because you have done the work to understand each other, right? Yeah. There are people who have been together for 50 years who would totally fail the newlywed

[00:23:08] Randi: gay.

Right. That's That's true. That's true. And yeah. And there's another one too called Hue, which is funny cuz it's a color game and you have to guess. What the color is like in a range that the person, so say like, this is a sunset Hawaii, and you have to guess it's a whole board of colors. There's like 500 colors on it, and you put a marker down on it and you put where you think the other person would think the color is, and we also will win that again and again.

And she gets so mad. And it's just because we have that connection, friendship, and that connection and that communication. Oh, I'm glad you said

[00:23:43] Jess: friendship.

[00:23:44] Randi: Yes. Friendship first, because let me tell you, I ha I dated a lot of bad boys and I had a thing for them and I married one too, but reformed that shit.

That's one of like the smutty books I read. Reformed Bad Boy. Um, but, um, I have been through a lot of toxic relationships and. I came to realize when I loved him and filed for divorce and everything, and you know, we went off and did our own thing for a while. That friendship was what mattered most when it came to it, and he was my best friend and did I want that over?

Everything, you know else, like when it came to it. And that is was the true basis of our, because we were such good friends. Because even when we were apart, we supported each other. Mm-hmm. And cared about each other and, you know, without anything romantic in it. And we were able to like rebuild from a friendship because we had always had that

[00:24:50] Jess: good base.

Okay. And so think about it with friends, we typically have a lot of empathy. Mm-hmm. A lot of understanding. Right, right. We have a lot of, Hey, what do you need? I can, I can jump in. Yeah. And we have a lot of that give and take. And so if we can put that into our partnerships and instead of expecting that they're going to give Right.

Now granted, I'm still gonna say time is time. Right? Right. You know, and it doesn't need to be exact, but we all need to be participating in the marriage, in the family,

[00:25:20] Randi: right? You don't need to be taking responsibility for yourself, your own emotional wellbeing too. Like that's super important. And then, like we said, identifying our triggers, our insecurities, you know, working on our communication, building trust, you know, being vulnerable, all these things.

Come together. And like you said, more importantly, like having empathy, you know, for that other person. Because we often think we need like this fire and gasoline like relationship, like this hot burning, you know, passion. But that stuff burns out really quick. And a lot of people talk about like, um, Twin flames, like soulmates and stuff.

And I've done a lot of research on that too, like personally, because I've always been like hopeless, romantic. But that stuff isn't meant to be long term. Mm-hmm. It's a person that usually teaches you something. Yeah, that's true. That is so there about yourself or Yes. About the world or whatever. And having, being able to understand that you can let go of a relationship like that.

And maybe go with the guy that you friend zoned, because he's gonna be the one that's in it for the long term and like, you know, loves you and cares about you. And sometimes we need to get out of our own way in our own, you know, head about ideals. And that comes back to this 50 50 when we are carrying around this idea that everything needs to be kind of like, split down the middle, or I'm gonna, you know, keep like a check mark, you know, list of what I've done and what you've done.

[00:26:51] Jess: I don't know. I still wanna get bene and zn

in,

[00:26:54] Randi: like, I would like to see that showdown. Right.

[00:26:57] Jess: I don't even know if it'd be a showdown, but man, I would love to like get that like together and hear there. Yeah. And hear it because I, I agree with both of 'em and it's such an interesting thing to pull it together as to what our marriages need.

So, All right.

[00:27:11] Randi: Well, oh, I mean, try some of these tips. See

[00:27:14] Jess: if they help you. Oh, you know, another great tip is if you think that there's a book you wanna read, see if your husband, or your spouse or your partner is also wanting to read or listen to it. Oh, yeah. Because sometimes it's really good that you can both read a chapter and then come back and discuss it.

Yeah. So like, Buy two, get two. But you have to have their buy-in. Don't just be like, Hey, by the way

[00:27:36] Randi: we're reading this. Yeah. You don't wanna force somebody into somebody that's not like comfortable for them. But like, I love doing like workbooks and like self-help things just, I mean, I'm a psychotherapist, so like that makes sense.

But I'll be like, Hey, does this interest you? Like would you want to do this with me? And. Sometimes he'll be like, yeah, and other times like, like, nah, but you know, because like, what's the point that you would just be frustrated if you set yourself up for failure, if they're right. If you're not communicating again, hey, I wanna do this, this isn't important to me.

But you know, if

[00:28:04] Jess: finding common ground and finding a common ground, if it's something that works for you guys, that would be great and a great way to have conversation, so, mm-hmm. All right. Well join us next time as we continue to dive into women's mental health. Bye bye.

[00:28:20] Randi: Thanks for listening and normalizing mental health with us.

Don't forget

[00:28:23] Jess: to check out our free resources and favorites on our website, unapologetically, randy and jess.com,

[00:28:29] Randi: like and share this episode, and tune in next week.

1, 2, 3, 4. Thanks for listening and normalizing mental health with us. Don't forget to check out our free resources and favorites on our website, Randi and jess.com, like and share this episode, and tune in next week.

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