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Episode 28 – Kinkeeping Part 2

Kinkeeping – Part 2 Maintaining boundaries when there is invisible labor

women's mental health podcast
The Truth about women's mental health

This episode is part of our Self Care Series that we will be exploring  throughout 2023. 

In this new episode we are going to keep focusing on kinkeeping and setting your boundaries and why it is important for your mental health. 

So basically 

We are going to teach you to define your boundaries to prevent kinkeeping and how to not only balance it out but stick with it.

Transcript – Kinkeeping

[00:00:00] Randi: 1, 2, 3, 4. Hi friends, it's Randy and Jess, and we're gonna cut the

[00:00:07] Jess: bullshit and let's get into women's mental health.

[00:00:14] Randi: Welcome to the podcast, unapologetically Gal, but welcome to the podcast un. Welcome to the podcast unapologetically All over the place with Randy and Jess. Two licensed psychotherapists where we talk about women's mental health issues and how it's all normal. Check out our

[00:00:32] Jess: podcast, uh, website, Randy and Jess.

Dot com for more information and a lot of what we talk about up there.

[00:00:39] Randi: And this episode is part of our self-care series. This is part two where we are exploring kinkeeping. And this episode we're gonna define kinkeeping a little bit deeper and how to set your boundaries around kinkeeping

[00:00:54] Jess: and why it's important for your mental health.

Mm-hmm. , so, so basically we're gonna teach you what it is. Again, we're going to also kind of. Help you be aware of what areas of your life it's in, and also how to

[00:01:05] Randi: prevent it and how to kind of learn to balance it. Mm-hmm. , because it can be very overwhelming. We talked a little bit about burnout and episode 27 around can keeping and how also just test on, it's important for your mental health, but it's also important for your physical health.

Yes. We were talking about how it can trigger a lot of physical symptom. So have you guys ever had these thoughts?

[00:01:29] Jess: I know I already said something, but why am I still doing everything?

[00:01:33] Randi: Why do I still have to tell him or her what to do?

[00:01:37] Jess: Why can't others just figure this shit

[00:01:39] Randi: out? When will I finally get a break?

A break? No, that's funny. That is funny.

[00:01:45] Jess: Okay, so Randy, why does Ken keeping happening? So,

[00:01:51] Randi: I mean, this has been going on, you know, since the beginning of time. I feel, um, and we talked about the article that came about in 1985, but we allow society to place stereotypical roles on us. And this is often passed down from like mother to daughter in a way.

Not I would say like consciously, but like unconsciously. And we don't hold our partners accountable to do their share of the partner. The parenting of the relationship as a whole. And

[00:02:23] Jess: I wanna point out when we talk about this, we're not hating on men. We're not hating on your partners. You know, if you and your partner have worked it out to, these are your roles and you're really happy with them, that's great.

Chef Kiss. Yeah. Yeah. That works for you. That

[00:02:36] Randi: is great. But great. If it's not working for you, then you need to communicate that and find something that works for you and like I touch a little bit. You know, too on episode 27 that oftentimes we block our partners from helping us. Yes. And like we need to figure that out too, within ourselves.

And so we talk a little bit about that too in, in identifying this. But, so for now, this episode, we're gonna talk about how to create boundaries so you're not allowing these things to happen.

[00:03:04] Jess: So I have two references that I usually use in therapy, right? Mm-hmm. , that I, I point out to people. There's two people, articles, you know, whatever that I really, really like.

And they're, they have the same thought, but they get there very differently, right? And the first one is, I love Zon. I call her villains. I don't know if that's how you say her name or not. But, so

[00:03:24] Randi: I would say that's how you pronounce it, but we might be totally wrong, but, and z if we are,

[00:03:27] Jess: just call us and let us

[00:03:28] Randi: know.

Yeah, we love you. We love you. Big fan girls over here.

[00:03:32] Jess: But, um, , and what she says is she, is, I, I'm gonna call her a hardcore feminist, right? Mm-hmm. , but really sh what she says is completely

[00:03:41] Randi: true. She's just a truth bomb. She just drops truth bombs. I feel like a lot of times we sugarcoat things Yes. To our.

To ourselves, our to our friends, ourselves, our family, our spouses, and our spouses. And she does not sugarcoat

[00:03:54] Jess: shit. She does not. I would love to be a fly on the wall in her house. I swear. So like the quote that I love that like I, I kind of wrote down that she says men can do better. They are not incompetent.

They choose not to do better. And one of the reasons they are able to make that choice is that an entire society lets them off the. Boom. Yeah. And she calls 'em man babies. She's like, . And she does. And that one just sticks. There's man babies.

[00:04:20] Randi: We're gonna link to her, um, her books and her information and stuff.

And then another author that just really loves too is,

[00:04:28] Jess: oh, Jennifer Siebel Newsom. She did Fair Play. And this book, I read it years ago, and it was actually pretty life changing in our family. Mm. A, her husband and my husband share the same name. So I was often pissed off my husband cuz I was like, she's right.

But she's an attorney who wrote a book called The Fairlight. She was working, he's working, you know, they have kids and she was doing everything right and he was not. And she was like, wait, why am I the tooth fairy? Right? Why am I the one getting Christmas ready?

[00:05:01] Randi: Right? Why am I, why, why am I the Easter bunny?

Why am I Santa Claus? Why am I. Uh, uh, the emotional support system. Like why am I the calendar? Yes. Why am I the to-do list? Why do I have to remember everything?

[00:05:13] Jess: Right? And, and yeah. And there's this partner book that just so resonated with me. She says that like, I, I'm gonna quote this poorly. It's been a couple years that, you know, she was getting ready to go off on a business trip and she's driving off and she noticed that, you know, she's Dr.

Somebody the night before, I must have got drunk and left a jacket on her, you know, lawn? Mm-hmm. . She's like, okay, whatever. And she had to go cuz she had an. As she's coming back a couple days later, that jacket is still there. Right. Meanwhile, her husband has passed that jacket at least twice a day taking kids to and from school.

[00:05:42] Randi: Oh, this is like the basket on the stairs.

[00:05:44] Jess: Yeah. Like why? Why didn't anybody else pick it up? Right. And I think that was when her defining moment of where she utterly lost her shit. Yeah. Right. Because it was like, why is nobody else picking up everything? Can they not see that? Right. How can they, it's like when people step over something on the floor, you're like, right, you.

Saw it cuz you stepped over it. Mm-hmm. , why didn't you pick it up? Right? Well, it's not, Okay, so what It's, it's

[00:06:09] Randi: mom's, right? So mom's supposed to pick up or wife or if you're, you know, the emotional, you know, caretaker in your family, you're supposed to pick up everybody else's load, everybody else's things.

No, we all need to pitch in. And she also has a documentary that you guys can watch too. It's available on Prime Apple, YouTube. Her

[00:06:34] Jess: website does blah blah

[00:06:35] Randi: YouTube. Yeah, we'll link it, link to it too on our podcast, um, randy and jess But so she essentially is talking about how the invisible workload or care load that you wanna call it, is held by women and she is all about making it visible so that we can inspire more balance for.

ourselves, our future, our children for everybody. Mm-hmm. , because I think like when we also allow this to, and move towards this with our partners and ourselves, not only are we portraying that for like our children and like their future relationships, but we are allowing growth too in our relationship.

Like that can make your marriage, your sex life. Friendship with your partner. Oh, your sex life.

[00:07:26] Jess: Right. So much more. We were just talking off air about like if men knew how much more freakier the wives would be in the bedroom. Yeah. If they would fill the emotional and fill the, you know. Yeah. I made

[00:07:39] Randi: a trick talk about it and women were like, I was like, if men only knew.

That what women would do in the bedroom if they, you know, I'm talking acrobatics style. Yeah. Not just the

[00:07:49] Jess: blowjob. Yeah, yeah. Not, not just the weekday blowjob.

[00:07:51] Randi: If they filled our emotional cup that they would be lining up for therapy. Because when we as women feel, you know, fulfilled in those areas, yeah, she said fulfilled.

[00:08:02] Jess: Fulfilled again, .

[00:08:06] Randi: But, um, when we feel like we're having our needs met, we. Open up physically. Mm-hmm. . It's very different for women and men, sex and relationships and things like that. We need a lot of different needs met to be able to feel safe, to open up, to explore those things. And,

[00:08:25] Jess: and it's not just like, you know, you take her somewhere, she's gonna, you know,

[00:08:29] Randi: it's not just buying you.

Yeah. It's not something spark taking

[00:08:32] Jess: you out to dinner. Yeah. It's not, and we're not trading. For favors. This is really like, I mean, that, that's a whole, this isn't a red light special.

[00:08:38] Randi: Okay. No, red light. Thank you. But it is, I mean, I'm not discriminating against sex work. Like that's, I love you all girls.

Okay. But, um, yeah, you, there's a lot of things that need to be ticked off our boxes to be able to feel.

[00:08:51] Jess: Yeah. And I tell my husband that it is so sexy that he cooks dinner, right? Mm-hmm. , and I'm not joking. That is, you take out the trash. I mean, this is the whole love language thing, right? Right. You take out the trash, you pick up the kids, you meet some emotional need or physical need.

It is, it is hot.

[00:09:07] Randi: Yeah. And there is a funny book too. I will link it up and I think it's called like women's porn or something. And it's literally like men, like doing like household chores because like vacuuming, doing dishes because like we as women. Because we haven't had, like for ages, we're seen as we should take on all the roles and it's not shared.

So those things do turn us on. They give us fulfillment because it's like, wow, when it shouldn't really be that big of a deal for them to be our.

[00:09:38] Jess: Partner. Right. But what it is, it's one less thing on our list. Mm-hmm. . And when that list is really full, most women do not want sex. Right. Right. And this whole thing of being touched out, that is a true thing.

Oh, it is. When, when your kids are all over you and the minute you walk in and you're touched out, no woman who is touched out is like, Hey, I feel sexy right now. Let's. Right. You know, I mean, it's, it's just,

[00:10:01] Randi: and usually like when, even if you did give into that and you're like, fine, let's just get it over with.

Like, do you wanna just have like media ochre sex where you're like, okay, fine, like let's get it over with. Like, no, you wanna be like, let's. To get it on because all I'm feeling great, you know? Okay.

[00:10:18] Jess: And women don't ever fake it. You fake it. He's gonna think that he's doing it right. , and you're never going to be able to communicate that

[00:10:24] Randi: he's never gonna do it.

[00:10:25] Jess: Right. . Right. So don't fake it. And in fact, teach him. We'll do that in a different episode. Yeah.

[00:10:29] Randi: But, so that's why boundaries are important.

[00:10:31] Jess: Because I want, I wanna go back one more time. Okay. Fair play. There's also a card. I'm gonna call it a game. It's a card game that I should, I'll, I should have brought it.

I'll show video of it. Okay. Um, what it does is it, It, it, it lays out all the different areas, right? And the idea, and we'll go into this more the next episode, but it lays out all the different of areas of what you do. And that way you guys can divide it up because time is time, how I spend my hour and how my husband spends his hours if we're doing work in an hours and hour.

That's great. Right? Like one of the things is he's doing carpool now. Yes. You know, and I joke all the time that it's amazing. He thought it was gonna take him five hours a week, . And I laughed. I was like, okay, cool. Go for it. Cuz I've been doing carpool since she was a baby, right? Mm-hmm. kinder. Yeah. It takes 'em sometimes 10 hours a week because you forget how long it takes 'em to put their shoes on and to get into the car.

I mean, all of that

[00:11:26] Randi: is part of truck things that change, like an accident.

[00:11:30] Jess: Like forget, she's waiting for people to get the backpacks out of the trunk. You're like, come on, people. We're doing this

[00:11:34] Randi: every morning. If don't. Have your partner help you with these things, they're never gonna understand. There's no helping participate.

Yep. Uh, that's my bad seat once again. Society and what, how I've been, you know, raised is that they help, no, they're participating and it's like, oh my God. Like, why are we still saying this? And it's like, see, it even comes outta my own mouth. But anyways, we're gonna link up the. , um, because I think it would be a great conversation icebreaker.

Mm-hmm. for women to do with. This is a very, I feel like games are a very, like, non evasive way to kind of like break the ice with your partner when you feel un uncomfortable, like broaching subjects. I have a game to, well, I. Uh, Jess and I love games. We do, and we both have like huge game closets, but like, I have other, like, a lot of like personal games like these two that I can play with my husband.

And we have this one amazing one too, that will link up called We Were Never Really Strangers and it just Oh wow. Brings up like, thought provoking questions and like some of them you kind of feel, and there's like levels, so like you can choose like if you just kinda wanna like dip your toe in the water or if you wanna like go off the deep end and like delve into some things, we kinda like work our way up.

Mm-hmm. and it's. Us making time for each other to do that. And like some of the stuff is like stuff we've talked about before and it's like not a big deal, but like then we still even like bringing it up. We always gain like a new perspective because we're always changing and so are they. Right. And that's the thing.

We're always growing and changing. We're never the same person. I'm not the same person I was yesterday as I was today. Anyways, so back to the fact is that we need boundaries around kin keeping, especially to protect your. Physical wellbeing and emotional wellbeing and overall mental health. Mm-hmm. and boundaries are very hard to set up.

We talk about boundaries in detail on episode six. You guys can go back and listen to this, but we're gonna talk about. Boundaries directed around the kinkeeping kin, caring, responsibilities. And so what are kind of boundaries that we can do, Jess?

[00:13:39] Jess: So my first thing is I want everyone to set the boundaries prior.

Actually just doing it. Mm-hmm. , because what happens if we just stop doing things? They get confused or angry. Right. Right.

[00:13:52] Randi: If you're not communicating what you want the boundaries to be, there's no, like I said, like my husband and I, like, we wrote out like a schedule and like put it on our calendar. Mm-hmm.

that these were gonna be our responsibilities and those were our boundaries and expectations.

[00:14:06] Jess: Right. And so I tell the story of, or like an example of Monopoly. We've all played Monopoly. We know if you pass go, you get your $200, right? Let's say we're playing, I don't know, recession monopoly. Mm-hmm. . And I'm only gonna give you a hundred if I'm the bank.

If I don't tell you, Randy, and we're playing the game, you're gonna get upset with me and be like, Hey, I still get a hundred bucks. I'm like, no, no, no. Yeah. Where's my money? Yeah. Recession. You only get a hundred. But if I tell you ahead of time we're gonna play a recession monopoly and you're only gonna get a hundred, you might be like, yeah, that stinks, but I really wanna play a game with you.


[00:14:39] Randi: you're prepared and you know, and you know how to plan for

[00:14:42] Jess: that, right? And you, you have a buy-in. And so therefore every time I you pass, go, I give a hundred you, you know, cuz you agreed to this game. Right? Right. . Part of setting boundaries is letting him know, these are the boundaries I'm setting.

Mm-hmm. , you know, and you don't always have to say this is why. Right? No. And you don't have to do it with

[00:15:02] Randi: anger. No. You can say this, this, or you can explain why you need it. Yeah. Or you can create them together too, so that you're both on the same

[00:15:11] Jess: page. Yes. You know, it's can be simply, this is no longer working for our family.

[00:15:16] Randi: Yeah. And be calm about it. Like, don't do a Randy and Explode. No. I have learned through a lot of trial and error and working through this, you know, on my own too. If I take a step back, I, if I'm calm, then he stay calmer. If I, you know, sometimes start with maybe like, Like a hard line. Mm-hmm. , don't cross this line.

Maybe sometimes you have to go to the extreme and be like this, I cannot handle this at all.

[00:15:45] Jess: That's what I call my hell no stage. Okay. Yeah. I go, most people, I'm doing a dial in my, in, in the air. Right? Most people go all the way over to the hell no. Mm-hmm. , right? When you say Don't work it back, work it back, and work it back because we don't, we have had no boundaries that we go all the way there and then eventually you're gonna find where you like your.

Right. What is comfortable and boundaries always change. So I wanna actually go through first and explain what is a boundary, right? Sure. I kind of did my game thing, but most people don't know what they are. Right?

[00:16:19] Randi: True. Like when we talked about the one that we just aired about, recognizing your emotions.

And we were talking about how you say like, yeah, I can recognize my emotions, but we don't really break down what emotions are to really fully understand and define it. Yeah. So it's like the same thing with boundaries. We really need to define what a boundary is.

[00:16:39] Jess: So a boundary is something that you set.

Think of it as a wall, think of it as a gate. Mm-hmm. . Right. And what that is, is it's a gate that says this. You can't. . Mm-hmm. , you know, you can open it if you would like for the person to come through. Right. But it is your way of protecting yourself. Right. And that's really what this is, is that it is protection.

A boundary keeps you from being burnt, from being overtired. From being abused.

[00:17:10] Randi: Mm-hmm. . Right. It's, and it can also protect other people too. Mm-hmm. , if you're setting like this boundary is just best because I know. This behavior can, you know, trigger other things in me. And so this is what's gonna be best for everybody.

Like overall if this boundary is in place.

[00:17:26] Jess: Right. A boundary is telling other people how you want them to treat you.

[00:17:30] Randi: Yeah. So it's a signal, it's a communication. And that's what I wanna reiterate too. This is a way to communicate healthier and you know, it's, I feel like sometimes like boundary has like a connotation, like that's negative.

Yeah. It's not negative. This is a huge positive to learn to respect yourself. Yes, your feelings, yes, um, what you want, and then teaching others how they can learn to respect and understand and communicate with you better. ,

[00:18:04] Jess: because I'm telling them boundaries has been basically telling them how I want to be treated.

[00:18:08] Randi: Yes. Is is this ultimate communication device. It's

[00:18:10] Jess: ultimate communication and you owe it to yourself and your partner to communicate. I mean, you are in this relationship with this other person, right? You're creating a life, you're creating your empire. Whatever it is you're doing, you owe it to them, to and yourself, right?

To communicate with them. Most of the time, we are not communicating with our partners, and that's what's causing all of this resentment and buildup because we're not telling them how we feel or we don't think they're going to meet our emotional needs. Right. I don't know if we're giving them an opportunity to either not meet it or be able to meet it.

Right. Again, men are not mind readers. Right? Your partner, your spouse. I'd like to keep this more generic, right? Mm-hmm. , your partner is not a mind

[00:18:54] Randi: reader. And don't apologize for your boundaries. No, stop. This is huge and I talk about this and many of our episodes, um, especially stop apologizing, episode eight.

Yeah, yeah. Stop apologizing. Do not apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for, to communicate your wants and needs and your feelings. This is valid.

[00:19:16] Jess: Yeah. You don't have to say, I'm really sorry, but I have to do this. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. And you know, I tell people that and Are you really sorry? I'm not sorry.

No, no. Is a complete answer. If people are not respecting your boundaries, you do not have to explain to them why it's not working right.

[00:19:31] Randi: You don't need to make it personal. You don't need to deep dive into it. It can just be like, this is

[00:19:36] Jess: it. This isn't working. This needs to change. Why is and isn't it working?

It just is

[00:19:40] Randi: not. And if you need. Support through it. That's fine. Tell your friends, like, please hold me accountable for this. Or talk to your therapist about it and say, please help me with this. Like, can we role play this? Can we talk about this? I wanna make sure like I'm doing this right and trust yourself.


[00:19:59] Jess: Trust yourself and, and again, every time, you know, I give in, somebody takes a boundary, right? And they'll push it. Mm-hmm. and people will, they naturally will think of it like your toddler. Yes. They will naturally push a boundary because. Your boundary is preventing them from getting what they want.

Mm-hmm. , right? You want peace. They want you to go do something for them. Yeah.

[00:20:19] Randi: They wanna make it about them. Mm-hmm. , this is not about them. This is about you. And so that's why it's good to have support when you're learning boundaries and how to reinforce them.

[00:20:28] Jess: Right. When you're learning with boundaries, with can keeping, right.

It's sticking to your boundary. Here's the example, like in our family, uh, I was talking about it earlier, is that my husband does drop off and pick up mm-hmm. and he was like, today's Friday he's like, or whatever day it is. And he was like, do we ha any chance you're gonna be down by the school today? No. I will be completely opposite direction.

Yep. And I could have just said no, but I was like, Nope. Actually, I think I may have just said no. No, I'm not picking up. It's not my, you know, I'm not, I'm not carpool. That is not my thing. Yeah. That is his. And so I let him, do, I let him, he can do that one. Look at me. Can we say that again? I, I let him,

[00:21:07] Randi: he's helping me.

I'm in power. I. Okay. We need to flip the script on ourselves. Ourselves too. And the words that are coming out of our mouthy, because we do give mixed signals. Mm-hmm. , you know, and so that's why this is an important step to learn, especially around can keeping, because we ourselves are learning. About it and learning how to see it, identify it and process it and work through it.

And so of course there you be kind to yourself too while you're doing this. We're, we're learning right along with them, but like also, you know, open up that line of communication too with your spouse. Right.

[00:21:47] Jess: You know, and, and Randy, how you, she just corrected me. It's okay to correct yourself. Yeah, right.

It's okay. Especially if you catch it. That's how you're going to correct it in

[00:21:55] Randi: the future. Yeah, and same. And Jess will call me out on that too. And we call each other out all the time on other things all the time too, about other things like about talking, you know, negative to ourselves, talking about our bodies.

We will no bullshit each other. Be like, no, but why are you saying that to yourself? Like, you know, oh, her and I have both lost a lot of weight the past couple of years and. We still have a hard time talking negatively about ourselves and we will be like, Hey girl, no, listen to yourself. Walk through this.

Talk it out. And having that, having, I mean, of course I'm lucky cuz I have a therapist, besty . But that's what, but that's what we're here for. We're your therapist besties, you know, so we're calling you out. Girl. No, it's okay. Like to do these things. It's okay to say those things. You don't need to apologize for this shit.

It is what it is. We are breaking generational trauma. Yes, we are breaking stereotypes. We are making healthier decisions for our sons to see and for our daughter to see too. I want my son to see. That he needs to be an equal partner. I am also not just passing this on to my daughter and what I want her to see as a healthy relationship.

I also want my son to see that it is also his responsibility to be a good fucking partner.

[00:23:14] Jess: I made sure my oldest, he knew how to, he, he, he's my, he's my stepson. Mm-hmm. that I, we, he's been with us since Hmm. Seventh grade, right? Yeah. Lived with us. Right. Yeah. So he's, he's our. Yeah, he's yours. Yeah. I made sure that he knew how to cook basics.

Mm-hmm. , I knew, I made sure he knew how to drive. Right. I made sure he knew how to do cleaning and do laundry and to pick up after himself. Yeah. Because I was going to lose my ever-loving mind if I found syrup in one more odd place. , right? Like, I'm not sure. I mean, just. This is just, I don't know if it's being boy, mom or mom, but like I have found it's just teenagers.

Yeah. They're just like dirty. I have found peanut butter up on the top blinds before. Before I don't. No. I was like, did you flick it and you didn't go look for it? I mean, I'm like, what is even

[00:23:57] Randi: happening here?

[00:23:58] Jess: Syrup in like the utensil drawers. Anyway, . Yeah. Okay. So anyway, that was something I honed in with him and you know, I was at the time thought I was being hard on him.

He recently, in the last six months, you know, now that he's off doing his own thing No. Has called me to thank him for teaching him how to be a good roommate. Mm. Right. Which is a partnership, right. Like, he was

[00:24:21] Randi: like, that's a, any type of relationship

[00:24:23] Jess: like that. Right? Yeah. He's like, I cannot believe how many people that I have roomed with.

[00:24:28] Randi: And you think, oh my God, that's so disgusting. Yeah. And he's like, they don't clean up after he's like, like, who taught you this? Well, obviously nobody. You know? Right. Like,

[00:24:36] Jess: but I held him accountable because I wanted him to be a good partner. Mm. With whatever he did. Marriage, business, education, whatever military he needed.

Yeah. Boss. Yeah. Yeah. Be a good partner and hold your own. Nobody is going to hold your hand. You need to make sure you're stepping up. And I recently have had him call me and say, thank you. That's so amazing. I was just like, they told me it would

[00:25:00] Randi: come, but did not hold My God, you're a woman, an asshole. I didn't traumatize you.

I probably did, but

[00:25:06] Jess: still you got it. Know maybe just a little bit . And so that is teaching your sons how to be a good partner is holding them accountable as well. Yeah. Mm-hmm. , I mean, absolutely.

[00:25:16] Randi: So we are gonna go over some tips too that you. Do to set boundaries with your partner or your spouse too, because we have had, you know, a few, few male listeners, woo-hoo.

Call in and say like they want suggestions, how to support their spouse, their spouse, their partner, their girlfriend, through their wellbeing and mental health journey, which is like so amazing to hear. You know, girls Date The Nice guys. I'm just saying really date the Nice Guys. Date. The nerds don't.

Don't, don't do, don't bad boys. Mm-hmm. Say the nice guys like bad boys for life. Hashtag like all boo boo boo. Like the rappers going in my head, but she's dancing actually. Yeah. So don't, don't do that cuz I went down that dark road. But anyway. So here's some tips. for your spouse. They can listen in and help you with.

[00:26:04] Jess: So what I want them to do is examine the roles. What were the roles in their family growing up, right? Mm-hmm. Like what did their mom do? What did their dad do? Right? And, and look at what their relationship was. The learned behavior. Yes. What did you learn? Right? Yeah. Um, are there traditional, you know, I want you, I want everyone to challenge traditional gender roles.

Yeah. I would love for you to challenge the roles and what can you do. You know, I've said before, my husband is a way better cook

[00:26:35] Randi: than I am. Yeah. And you found that out just because, you know,

[00:26:39] Jess: I was burnt out and I read this book Fair play and you were like, do it. Yeah. And I was like, we're switching it

[00:26:45] Randi: up.

Mm-hmm. And it works. And that's the same thing like I. Some men might like doing laundry. Some men might like grocery shopping. Some men, why do we have to uphold that? Some men might like throwing birthday parties. Who the F knows if you don't allow them to do it.

[00:27:00] Jess: Right. You know, my dad l he is such a good folder of laundry.

Mm-hmm. He, I remember coming home at college, I think I talked about this one episode where, mm-hmm. . Yeah. I came home with dirty clothes and it was my dad, my, he folded them, he washed all of my clothes. Folded ‘

[00:27:16] Randi: em all. I remember that. My dad did laundry too. Yeah. My mom was disabled, so like my dad, you know, stepped up in a lot of ways.

He wasn't there emotionally. Sorry dad, if you're listening, . But you know, it's true. But physically that's how he showed love. Yeah. Was like doing the chores and like I've had a really hard time too. Learning that other people show love to me in different ways, because if it's not what I envision her gift buying.

Yeah, my, yeah, I love gifts, but like I also. . Um, I always thought like, that's not love, but like for some people that is the way that they know how to show love. And so understanding that your partner may be showing you love in, in the way that they know how, and that's like when these tips come in handy.

Mm-hmm. . Cuz if you're talking to them about the roles that they think are expected of them or maybe you know how to challenge those roles, you might find, you know, new ways that they can show that they love you.

[00:28:15] Jess: So what I tell people is, uh, there was a L M F T therapist who did a book called The Love Languages.

Yes. Everybody's kind of heard of 'em, right? Yeah. The love languages, there's five of them. I forget one cause it's definitely not mine. There is acts of service, right? Yep. Acts of service, acts of service,

[00:28:31] Randi: gifts, uh,

[00:28:31] Jess: physical touch, physical words of affirmation and words of affirmation. There's one. Um, words of, okay, let me do it again.


[00:28:39] Randi: Uh, we did this when we were like, quality time. Quality

[00:28:42] Jess: time. Yes. And so you can get online, we'll link it up. There's a quiz you can do with your partner and it, it'll list out what yours are, right? And so let's give an example if mine is. Acts of service and gifts, and let's say if my partner is quality, time and touch, if I keep, you know, making dinner for him and buying him shirts.

Cause I love him, but he's like, you're not touching me. Or spending

[00:29:06] Randi: time. Yeah. You're not saying communicating. We

[00:29:09] Jess: Right. Or if he's trying to like, you know, hug and kiss on me and I'm like, where's my gift? Right. We are going, you're, you're both sending out the love, but you're missing.

[00:29:17] Randi: Yeah, you're missing the mark.

So you're just like, you're like two ships in the night passing each other by. Right. With good intentions. Yes. But you can have all the good intentions in the world and if they're not hitting their mark, nobody's ever gonna know.

[00:29:30] Jess: Right. So you have to learn what your partner's love language is. Mm-hmm. and learn to love them in their

[00:29:36] Randi: language.

Right. So they can understand. And this is another form of communication. Yes. So it. , one of the quiz questions asked, like, is it more meaningful to me when I receive like a loving note, text email for no special reason, or I get like a hug from my partner. So like pits, like these different things so you can kind of like narrow down like what your love language is.

So that one's showing like kind of acts of service, like versus physical touch. And it's like I know like my partners as physical touch. Mm-hmm. and I'm like, don't fucking touch me . And so I have to work really hard. About that. Like he needs to meet my needs of like acts of services and gift giving and things like that.

And words of information. Yes, I'm a needy bitch. Okay. But, um, , he has learned that when he fills those cups for me, I'm enough. She's

[00:30:26] Jess: gonna be a freak in the sheep.

[00:30:27] Randi: Yes. Let's just be real. So, boom, you know, and so, but these are tips for your spouses and tips for you. You guys can both, you know, utilize these.

And again, remember you are. Helping her. You are her partner.

[00:30:42] Jess: You are participating in the family, and you are participating with your

[00:30:46] Randi: wife. Yes. This is a loving, uh, mentally healthy relationship. These are the things that you need to do. , you know, and I

[00:30:55] Jess: talk about learning to anticipate the needs of your partner and checking in often.

Mm-hmm. , right? You are not a mind reader and neither is she. Right? Right. She has just learned to anticipate your needs better, typically. Right. And so it is learning to ask what her needs are. Right? What are her needs? What

[00:31:11] Randi: does she need? And that's the thing like my. A lot of my friends go now like, oh my God, your husband is the best at like these things.

And like he gets you like the best gifts. And I'm like, well, I've taught him how to love me that way. And yes, I give him an Amazon wishlist, you know, and he's learned now to decipher what to buy me on his own based off of that because of repetitive. Repetitive, re repeat, repetitive, repetitive, you know, things that I've been like, I like this, I like this, I like this, I like this.

Like, this is what makes me happy. And then he does see like how I, you know, I come alive when he does those things for me. And he likes that. You know, it's almost like Pavlov's dog, right? Sorry, I'm going off on a psychology tangent. But like, you teach people what to give you. And so if,

[00:31:59] Jess: if they aren't, it's not only teaching, you're setting a boundary cuz you're telling 'em what, how to treat.

Right. So we can wrap this back in. You are setting a boundary by teaching them what you need. Mm-hmm. and what, what, how to

[00:32:12] Randi: treat you. Right. So again, like for us, that's what those things that he can learn to be my full partner that works for us, like around can keeping and stuff like that, is he has to step up to the plate.

I'm now like, Hey, you know, it's your, I would be like, it's your niece's birthday, it's your sister's birthday. Have you called them? Have you signed gift now? I'm like, well, I don't do any of that. I said, I don't do it anymore. I said, it's on you and I'm sorry. I'm sorry to, I'm not sorry. I'm sorry to my niece, but like I'll then mail you some money.

But I was like, you know, cuz I have to take care of. My sister's side too, you know? And I'm like, but you don't

[00:32:48] Jess: have to have to take care of anything. No, I don't have

[00:32:51] Randi: to have to do anything. I mean, I enjoy those things too, because like I love giving gifts and things like that, but I'm like, I can't take on one more thing.

So it's up to you to oversee that side. And if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen, and I'm not gonna worry about it, you know? And like same thing with the calendar. I'm like this. You're up on deck for this, whether it's sports, you know, school, like a therapy appointment. I'm like a doctor's appointment.

Let's talk about that. You know, like you're, you're up, you gotta, you, you're half, half

[00:33:20] Jess: in. So what I'm gonna do, we're gonna, we're gonna go ahead, right? The next episode, I really want to deep dive into. Giving examples mm-hmm. of how to communicate this with your partner because Randy comes through as a, I'm overwhelmed what she is.

Mm-hmm. , I know she's got a lot going on. Right. And and she's doing that. You have to do this. Right, right. She's gone the hard and fast. Hell

[00:33:41] Randi: no side. Yeah. I'm lost. I'm the super strict boundary, but like, let's find like a happier, like medium . Not that Well, it's, it's not wrong. It's what, finding what works for

[00:33:50] Jess: you.

Exactly. Let's find what works for you. And I wanna do some role playing next episode. Yeah. To really kind of teach, teach people how to have this conversation. Yeah. So

[00:33:59] Randi: you guys can prep. This along with us, we're gonna give you how-to tips, like how to ask, how to set the boundary. We're gonna show you guys, and we're gonna put up some videos too when we do it next week, about how to have these boundaries, these conversations, and this communication, and so we can kind of flip the script with this kin keeping And there is less inequality in your partnerships Yeah.

And your families overall. Because I feel like when you create. , um, basis, and then your kids see it and you're breaking these stereotypes, it's gonna make their lives that much better too. And like we said, as women and moms, we worry like, am I doing enough? Am I being enough? Like, am I a good parent? Am I a good role model?

These. If you are worried about it, work on these things because laying the basis for them to have a healthier future, healthier relationships and better communication skills will set them up for the fucking. Best success of their

[00:35:04] Jess: life and they want it. And that's the thing, this younger generation is so amazing.

They're hungry

[00:35:10] Randi: for the tools to use that we did not have. And

[00:35:13] Jess: they see it and they're using it and they're making comments about, you know, this is my body. They're world changers. They're, they're, don't talk about my body. Yeah. And they're, they're making conversations and acknowledging all this, they're gonna pull

[00:35:24] Randi: this.

Partners accountable. Accountable, and hold themselves accountable as well. And we are just going to see hopefully a future generation that is just able to create such beauty because we're breaking. You know, we're breaking all the crack. The boomers did crap. Stereos, breaking it down, kicking it to the curb, throwing out the window, beating it to a bloody pulp, , and, um, you know, we're tripping and falling and crying and, you know, screaming along the way.

But hopefully to pave the road for our future generation so they can have a stronger grasp on their mental, uh, wellbeing and not feel as alone as we have. Yeah, and I'm

[00:36:12] Jess: talking boys and girls. I'm talking everybody, sons, daughters. I'm talking asexual. They, I'm talking all of it. I mean,

[00:36:20] Randi: I believe if you wanna be a purple unicorn, we are there for

[00:36:23] Jess: it.

Absolutely. All right. We'll see you next time, uh, when we're gonna go through and do some role modeling and break it down in more of a modeling and talking about it. Thank you for

[00:36:33] Randi: listening in with us. All right. Bye. Thanks for listening and normalizing mental health with us.

[00:36:40] Jess: Don't forget to check out our free resources and favorites on our website, unapologetically randy and

[00:36:46] Randi: like and share this episode and tune in next week.


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