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Episode 27 – Kinkeeping Part 1

kinkeeping, #kinkeeping, #invisablelabor

Kinkeeping – Part 1 What it is and how to recognize it and why it is harmful physically and mentally

women's mental health podcast
The Truth about women's mental health

This episode is part of our Self Care Series that we will be exploring throughout 2023. In this episode we are going to explore the new(ish) word Kinkeeping, what it is and how to recognize it and why it is harmful physically and mentally. We are going to define what it is and how to recognize it in your own life and relationships.

So basically  Kinkeeping

We are going to tell you why you are so damn tired and overwhelmed all the time and keep listening because we are going to tell you how to make the changes you need.

@thought_dumpy My mom’s life changed when I taught her about this. #feminist #feminism #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #genderrole #genderexpression #education #kinkeeping ♬ original sound – AdviceGirl

Transcript – Kinkeeping

[00:00:00] Randi: 1, 2, 3, 4. Hi friends. It's Randy and Jess, and we're gonna cut

[00:00:07] Jess: the bullshit and let's get into women's mental health.

[00:00:13] Randi: Welcome to the podcast unapologetically all over the place with Randy and Jess, where we talk about women's mental health issues and how it's all normal. Visit us at randy and jess podcast.com for more information.

[00:00:26] Jess: In this episode, we're gonna be exploring the newish word can keeping. This will be a three parter under the self-care series for our 2023.

[00:00:34] Randi: Not only are we going to define can keeping for you, but we're gonna help you recognize it in your own life and relationships. And I actually wrote an article about it too with a more in-depth definitions on our website. .

[00:00:47] Jess: So basically we're gonna tell you why you're so damn tired and overwhelmed all the time.

And keep listening cuz we're gonna also tell you how to get the changes you need done. Yes.

[00:00:57] Randi: And we're so tired all the time. . All the time. So have you guys ever thought. Why am I so tired all the time? Yeah. Why do I have no downtime?

[00:01:09] Jess: Why can't somebody else do the chores? Shopping, carpooling, nursing, nighttime feedings, blah, blah, blah.

[00:01:15] Randi: Why do I feel like I'm doing all the parenting alone? Okay, so why do I feel so alone? Yeah. Well that does, it makes you feel alone, right? Mm-hmm. , um, if I don't do it, who will?

[00:01:27] Jess: Oh, that's a big one. Or the other one I hear all the time, why do I have

[00:01:31] Randi: to plan dinner? Oh my gosh. Thinking about dinner is like such a hassle.

It's anxiety provoked for most people. Yes, it's people. And it's, it's all bullshit.

[00:01:41] Jess: Bullshit. Big time bullshit. Okay, so what is kin keeping? So

[00:01:45] Randi: it was originally defined by sociologist Carolyn Rosenthal in 1985. She wrote an article called Kin Keeping in the Familial Division of Labor, blah, blah, blah. And what it is about really is about the invisible work women do that we don't get credit for, like physical.

Labor we do for the household. Emotional labor we do on top of everything else and how we do it for free and how we just take on this role as, uh, mothers and women and we pass it down from generation to generation and. What

[00:02:23] Jess: year is it? Yeah. Right. We're still doing this shit from 1985 is when she wrote this, right?

Yes. So when you look up kin keeping, it typically will pull up things like, you know, like if I call my mom, she'll update me on like what all of the cousins

[00:02:38] Randi: are doing. Right. The whole family

[00:02:39] Jess: system. Right? The whole family system. Mm-hmm. , she's the one that kind of like, like I talk about like the matriarch or there's a patriarch in your family.

Mm. And when one dies, typically the next one comes in. Right. That's what we used to think of it as. Right. But recently it is more so about within our own families. Right. And again, the division of labor, how much we're doing and how this can keeping is like we're, we're keeping our households

[00:03:03] Randi: together.

Right. And so yeah, like you're keeping on top of everybody's birthdays, everybody's chores, everybody's to-do list, but not just you, like your whole nuclear family. Extended family too. Mm-hmm. , like on top of that, you're supposed to know, like when it's your niece's birthday or when your nephew is graduating bootcamp or whatever

[00:03:21] Jess: it is.

Or sending your mother-in-law flowers when it's not your mother-in-law. Right. Or not your mom.

[00:03:25] Randi: Right. Yeah. Right. So it's like there's all, there's like this, uh, unlimited, it feels like amount of tasks. That we as one person are supposed to stay on top of for not only our own family, but like our extended family.

And this is like generational. And so we're talking about this topic too because it, it recently exploded on TikTok when a young TikTok, or thought dumpy, I think is her name. Yeah. She had learned about it in her women's. Studies class.

[00:03:52] Jess: She has over, last I checked, she had over 7 million views. Yeah. On that

[00:03:57] Randi: TikTok.

Right? Because she was explaining it to her mother, right? Like about like, this is why you're so tired, this is why you're so exhausted. Why do we as women take on this role And kind of like. Unknowingly in a way of just keep passing it down to our daughters that this is what we're supposed to be doing.

And it's like we're holding on to these stereotypical gender roles of women being caretakers and the information holders and exchangers. Right. And she

[00:04:28] Jess: did a really. Good job of explaining it, which is why I think it also got so many different, or so many views and likes. Right? I don't know if you remember, but she, she went through and she explained it like, if you're gonna see a play, right?

Mm-hmm. , um, at the end you're clapping for, you know,

[00:04:44] Randi: those on stage. Those on stage, right. The main characters. The main the actors. Actors.

[00:04:48] Jess: But really, Who got them there, right? Right. Like who? All the stage hands, all the lighting people, right? All the, the

[00:04:54] Randi: set designers, the set, there's the costume designers, costumes, the director, the musicians, right?

All

[00:05:00] Jess: of that that goes into the play. Right. That we don't see. And it's the same thing. You see the end result. within our homes. Yeah. Right. Like you, you take care of what? Teacher appreciation

[00:05:11] Randi: day. Hmm. Or dress up day for school. Like crazy hair

[00:05:15] Jess: day. Geez. For, you know how long that stuff takes. I mean, like I saw a girl at Costco yesterday.

Oh my gosh. She was so cute. Must have had crazy hair day cuz she had all of these, this crazy hair going on. But I was like, that probably took that mom forever.

[00:05:30] Randi: Well, and then your partner comes to you like, why are you so tired? Or like, why don't you wanna have sex? Or like, why don't you? Oh yeah. And it's like, because I have this endless to-do list in my head that I feel not only emotionally responsible for, but responsible towards our family.

And a lot of this stuff also takes a physical toll on you. So like what is the problem with kin keeping when it comes down

[00:05:54] Jess: to. It's creating burnout for us. Mm-hmm. , right? It's affecting our mental health. It's affecting our physical health. It's affecting, you know, our friendships and our family. So I wanna go through burnout.

I know we talked about it on episode 19. Yes. Um, but I wanna go through and just talk about signs of burnout so that way we can kind of go away. Just a little recap. Yeah. Yeah. Are you burnt out? There's physical, emotional, and behavioral burnout. Mm. Right? Mm-hmm. with the physical, it's changes in your appetite.

You're eating more, you're eating less. You're tired, right? You're tired physically, mentally fatigued. Mm-hmm. all over. Muscle aches. Yeah. Body aches. Mm-hmm. , you could also have issues sleeping where you're not sleeping. Right.

[00:06:33] Randi: And so it's, or you wanna sleep too much. Oh yeah. Cause you're just so overwhelmed.

You're shutting down. Right. Um,

[00:06:39] Jess: the emotional piece. Right. There's that self-doubt, that imposter syndrome, oh my. We did that, uh, fomo versus, um,

[00:06:47] Randi: Jomo. Jomo, right? Yeah. The, the joy of missing out versus the fear of missing out. Right. We talked about that.

[00:06:53] Jess: Um, but there's also like feeling lonely. Mm-hmm.

doubting yourself. Am I doing enough? Am I a good mom? Do you know, sidebar, heres how many moms worry about

[00:07:05] Randi: being good moms. Yeah. And I tell my friends the fact that you are worried about being a good mom means you're a good mom, but like we take this on this load, this invisible load. Yes. This emotional load and we're, I feel.

Like we as women are just like stacking it, you know? Like, this is what I picture is like, you know, like the women, uh, you know, when they would carry like the big water jugs on their heads? Yes. Mm-hmm. like, you know, they would walk miles and mile a miles, you know, to get water for their family and carry this and strap the baby on their shoulders.

And so it was like, you see like this picture of this physical burden. But I feel like now, like as a society, we have moved towards, like we're stacking those things, like these impossible hats on top of our heads. Mm-hmm. , you know, carrying more and more on our shoulders and our bodies and it not, you know, and it's emotionally weighing us.

Down and you know, then it can, like you said, create like also these

[00:08:01] Jess: physical effects, right? Oh, and then there's the behavioral piece too, right? Mm-hmm. , I, I know a lot of moms, we start to isolate, we get overwhelmed. Yes. And we just stop, stop going out because Right. The thought of having to actually take our hair out of a bun right.

Is just

[00:08:16] Randi: too much. Our plan, one more thing. Or try to, you know, Make calendars work with friends and stuff. We get it. We're both super crazy busy working moms with special needs kids and it can be a lot, but. . If you don't have that too, it's hard to like refill your cup. And we talk about that too in our caregiving episode, which is episode three about you can't fill from an empty cup and so you need to find ways to refill yourself.

But like with this inkin keeping, it seems almost just like one more task could just like push us over the edge. Mm-hmm. . And let's dive into. and what it looks like a little bit too, like the unpaid work, they often say even stay-at-home moms should be paid like 200 grand a year. Yeah. Something like, some crazy amount for like the unpaid work they actually do.

I know that was a struggle too, when I was like a young mom being like, I'm just a stay-at-home mom. There's no like, you're just like, I, I, I what? A hundred percent now like. Rather work than stay home because it was, you do so much more work. I was a stay-at-home mom for nine years and it was so much work.

Like I loved it, but it's like at this point in my life I was like, I don't think I could do it. It was it. It is very overwhelming, you know? And it's just, it's this idea that we carry in our head that we need to do a certain amount of labor for our family and that equals love. And I'm not. Why?

[00:09:50] Jess: Well, and I think it's this expectation that we need to do this, right?

Like, you know, I have a lot of working moms who, you know, they're like, well, uh, not working moms stay home moms. And they're like, well, you know, I'm a stay home mom, so you know, I have to do his laundry.

[00:10:05] Randi: Mm. Really? I did that too. I felt like I needed to do his laundry. I needed to do all the cooking. I needed to do all the cleaning.

Mm-hmm. . I was also taking care of my daughter. I ended up taking care of my sister's baby, my sister-in-law's baby while she went to work. And then I was also taking care of my best friend's baby while she went to work because I was just staying home. Right. And then I was taking care of my mother who was dying, and I was in.

Like the sheer thought of this. When I say it out loud, I'm making faces at her like,

[00:10:35] Jess: like whats the actual, she like, she, she looks like, like the fuck. You're doing so much stuff right there. You weren't a stay at home mom. You were a student, right? You were a caregiver for somebody who was dying. I mean, you had just like 20 different

[00:10:49] Randi: roles right there.

And it's like to think that I just thought it was like my duty and I was like, duty. She said duty. Yeah, duty. But, um, . Sorry. Okay. Seven year old body humor coming through. I thought my son was at school, but apparently he's just. You know, across the, you see her in Jess's body today. Yeah. But, um, that we take on these roles and I thought, I'm not working.

So when I was essentially doing, like you said, the role of like 10 different people, I think back to like, like the 18 hundreds when they had like full stabs and like, you know. Yeah. That's what I compare it to. They had a cook, a ma, they had, they had a nanny. They had their whole family living. A man, like yes, they had bigger houses, you know, maybe like if they were wealthier, like living in, you know, but it was like generations like living together.

They had a whole team, literally like a stable of

[00:11:40] Jess: people to help them. Or they were on a farm with like 14 different kids, right. And that could help and age could help and, and do all of that. Right? Right. So at different ends, you know, and, and I always tell Randy that we need a village. You have to have a village nowadays because we don't have the family support that we used to.

[00:11:58] Randi: Well, we all move so often. Yes. Which is something we should talk about like on a different episode too. But, you know, we move often, you know, or we have learned boundaries and like set them with toxic family members and stuff. Mm-hmm. , we might not, I know a lot of people still give into families because they don't, they need the.

So they put up with the toxic stuff too. Mm-hmm. to get that, you know, support. It's, yeah. So it's hard because we do, we move, we don't have the family system. We're seen as like, we should be like this independent, you know, do it all.

[00:12:30] Jess: Ah, it's not worth seen. I think most women put it on themselves that they don't wanna ask for help.

We are not taught to

[00:12:37] Randi: ask for help. Well, that's the thing. We're not taught to ask for help. Do you

[00:12:40] Jess: teach your daughter to ask for help or is she as independent as you?

[00:12:44] Randi: Hmm. She's independent like I am because she's seen me be like, I'm not gonna wait for anybody. I'm just gonna get it done. If we ask like we, we have to wait, and then it can get frustrating, you know?

And that's hard, you know? And I, you know, I just had surgery this last week and it was really hard for me to ask for help. And then I also got backlash from my family because they're used to me not asking for help, and they were acting like I was like, Being dramatic. Not being dramatic, but inconveniencing them.

I felt, and I was like, this is what I did. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

[00:13:17] Jess: Did did you We're gonna go therapy here? Mm-hmm. . Did you feel, were they telling you that or were you taking it in as that? Because it depends.

[00:13:25] Randi: I was taking it in as I was inconveniencing them. Okay. Which is part of the problem. Right. But I mean, the attitude I was getting back was kind of saying like I was, but then I was like, okay, everybody's stressed about the situation that I had to have emergency surgery.

Yeah. When I started to break it down. And I then when I communicated to my husband too, like, listen, you're being a dick. I need your help right now. And he was like, I realized he was really stressed out about like me being in the hospital. Mm-hmm. like worried, get triggered, you know? You know, other trauma, trauma.

And then he was like, I'm super exhausted too. And I was like, don't tell me you're exhausted right now, . But I was like, okay, all right. Now like talking about he was tired. He was tired. He doesn't do well with like lack of sleep. When I took in the bigger picture, I was like, okay. And when I was like, you're being a dick and you need to help me, and that's all I have to say right now.

Then he was like, okay too. You know, like, but I needed also to communicate my needs and I needed to talk to him about it. And then that helped because you're right, I was seeing it through a different lens. I was. Feeling like I was inconveniencing everybody with this rushed emergency surgery that I have to have.

[00:14:33] Jess: Okay, so right there, an emergency surgery is an inconvenience no matter what. Right? Right. I mean, that's part of me That wasn't gonna change. It's not gonna change. Right. I remember she was like, I'm leaving. I'm, I'm gonna check myself out. Oh wait, I'm sorry. Apparently I'm going in for surgery, . And so I was like, okay, cool.

Right. . Okay. Friend . And you may have been a little crankier than normal. Yeah. Right? And that's okay because you weren't expecting it. Nobody has time for emergency surgery, right? I mean, it wasn't planned. And, and that's okay. You have to roll with it, right? Mm-hmm. . But part of it going, wrapping us back is that women do not ask for help.

And when we do, we wait typically until we are so fed. That it comes out as an explosion. Yeah. Yes. Because

[00:15:14] Randi: we're like, we're like a volcano. Why can't you do anything bad? And then it's molten hot lob over everything. And this kind of ties in back into kin keeping and the emotional labor. Yes. That we do.

Yes, we are just feel like we're tasked with managing. So like that was the thing too. I felt like I was inconveniencing everybody and this was an emotional strain on everybody and. I'm in the middle of having to have emergency surgery and I'm trying to make sure everybody else feels okay about it. And I was like, that is not your role.

[00:15:41] Jess: Wtf. That when you took that on you, you took it on. Right, right. And, and so, you know, it was interesting you had talked about how, you know the women in your lives, the busiest ones in your lives stepped up and you had dinner being brought to you, you and your. You know, by like, you know, somebody's mother-in-law,

[00:16:00] Randi: right?

Yeah. It just makes me wanna cry right now because we do too much as women. She actually is crying. I am crying right now just because the women that did step up to help me this week, I was telling Jess, all my friends that came through this week were the most busiest. They're the ones that have. They run businesses, they take care of other people, and they all, they get it paused and came and brought me dinner and it always, I don't know why.

It surprises me that it's always the people that have the least amount of time, that make time for you. , but that's how you know those people are really like your village and your friends and stuff like that. And we're gonna

[00:16:38] Jess: do a podcast on why you need a village, because this comes up all the time that we need a village.

Yeah. For this exact reason, Randy, right? We need to have people around us who will take your kid if you go into emergency.

[00:16:52] Randi: Yeah, because Jess was like, if you need to, you know, drop off, you know, my son to her like I could. And so I knew that, that I had that like in my back pocket, like if need be and that, you know, my friends came and like dropped up dinner and stuff to me and my family to make sure, like my family was fed this week and like Jess brought me flowers and you know, things that would cheer me up and, and chocolates, yes.

And chocolate. That has gotten me through this week because I was also PMSing on top of having my gallbladder removed. . So I was like, Thank, thank you Jesus, for all this today. But anyway, so how do we recognize kin keeping and how do we recognize this in ourselves and like our children, and how do we identify it?

So let's get into that. Okay. So

[00:17:38] Jess: when I talk with women about identifying it, the first thing is, you know, I, I wanna talk about like, where do you have resent. Because anytime we have resentment or the, oh, I wish I wouldn't have done that. Right? Oh God, I wish I wouldn't have scheduled that. Why? Why am I the one doing this?

Right? Anytime you have those thoughts, that resentment is either, you didn't set a boundary, you are doing too much, you picked up something you shouldn't have because you're a fixer. Yes. Right? And you're like, or a people pleaser. Or a people pleaser. And so anytime you have that kind of resentment, I want you to kind of identify it, right?

Mm-hmm. and re. Was this yours to pick up? Did you pick it up? Because I'll tell you, if we're all sitting around a conference table, I know there's one of y'all who will easily pick up the shitty task. And I can sit there and not say anything and doodle, somebody will get really

[00:18:29] Randi: uncomfortable and pick it up.

You're like the one, this is me. The one who did all the group work in class . Oh, totally. The person who does. Cause you didn't wanna get, you didn't wanna fail, so you just like did it all for everybody. Yeah. But this would also be a good thing to journal this out. Mm, yes. To identify it, to work through it too.

Like where do you have resent. Is your household labor divided equally? In this day and age, we still do not. I feel as a society share equally in household maintenance, chores, whatever you wanna call it, doing groceries, things like that. And that can really start to weigh on people. You know, taking on a company and growing my company and stuff.

Over the last three years, I have taken on. Many more like additional responsibilities. My partner had to step the fuck up cuz I was like, it's not gonna, you're not gonna get fed. I just finally said, you're not gonna get fed. This isn't gonna get done. You need to learn how to, you know, get the groceries.

Like you need to help me with the pickups and drop offs. Or like, if you're fortunate enough to like be able to find some paid help. But a lot of people are not able to afford that. So it's like you do have to either find a village, people you can carpool with, things like that, you know? Figure it out with your partner that you, it needs to be equal.

[00:19:47] Jess: And next week we're gonna expand on that because there are some ways that you can do it. Randy tends to wait until she is overwhelmed and then it comes out as you need to fucking do this. Yes. ,

[00:19:58] Randi: that's, that's not the correct way. Okay. No, no, no. That's

[00:20:00] Jess: not an incorrect way. But what it is, is that you're missing all of the signs beforehand.

Right. That you needed the help and now you're frustrated and blowing up. Yeah. And so,

[00:20:09] Randi: and so, we created a calendar system for us. Mm-hmm. , you know, too, that's like, okay, you're picking up this time, you're doing this, you're doing this chores, you're responsible for this. But yeah, so we had to write it out in black and white.

That's what worked for

[00:20:21] Jess: us. And so next week, next week we're gonna go through that more. So. Okay. Cuz I wanna really delve into how to do that. Yeah. Because I really coach a lot of women on, on doing this because, Partners don't do that. And I do have some men, but I mostly work with women. Mm-hmm. . So I am not being sexist, but that's just where I typically

[00:20:38] Randi: work.

I mean, when it breaks down to it though, this is a very stereotypical Yes. Almost sexist. Yes. Role kin keeping is. And so we did come up with some tips that you can give your partner, whether you're in a same sex, you know? Mm-hmm. , or you know, different sex. You know, relationship. But

[00:20:57] Jess: before we go there real quick.

Okay. I wanna go back to, I also want you to recognize it in your body. Mm. Because we physically, yeah. Yes. We as women, um, as humans, we hold all of this in our body and it's really interesting to see kind of like where your pain is coming up. Right. And you can go into chakras and we can be hippie dippy, , and we can

[00:21:20] Randi: do all of that kind of stuff.

I'm just like, my neck, my back, you know, . Oh, that too,

[00:21:24] Jess: right? Yeah. Figure out, see what hurts. Mm-hmm. . And then, you know, kind of pay attention to that because I wanna discuss that as well. Because you know, there's like a certain side of your shoulder hurts. That means this, if one side of your shoulder hurts, it means that.

So pay attention to where you physically hurt. Okay? Because that right there is going to lead to. Some of the other stuff.

[00:21:47] Randi: Identifying some of the other emotional triggers that you're having. Yes,

[00:21:51] Jess: because our bodies hold it.

[00:21:53] Randi: Yeah. So, okay. There's a book about that that called, is called The Body Keeps the Score.

Oh, it's such a good book. It's a good book, but it, it's very heavy and kind of convoluted. So we can, we should do an episode on that too, so we can kind of like give you like the cliff notes version. But we carry our trauma and we carry our emotions in our body and we just don't realize it a lot and it leads, you know, to other things, but that, that's a whole other spinoff, so

[00:22:19] Jess: well.

and we don't do enough self-care versus self soothing, right? Mm-hmm. , so self-care, episode nine is a great one to listen

[00:22:25] Randi: to. Yeah. And we put some self-care checklist too on our website mm-hmm. , that you guys can check out. So you can like be like, am I doing this? Does this work for me? You know, am I filling again?

Am I filling up my cup? Am I taking care of myself? Because with kin keeping, you are taking care of all these extensions of yourself. Like I'm, I'm thinking of like a giant oak tree, right? And there's like all these extensions. It just keeps growing and growing and growing, but it's like, what about your root system?

Like what about your core? Mm-hmm. , what about, mm-hmm. You're right.

[00:22:56] Jess: You get a drought and then your roots. Roots come to the top and a wind comes and what's gonna happen? You knock over, right.

[00:23:01] Randi: You fall, or what if you keep getting brittle or, and brittle and then like a flame comes and then it's like turns into giant inferno.

Mm-hmm. . You know, and then you know there's nothing left and then you've really done nobody else any good. If you're not taking care of yourself at the core, core, you

[00:23:17] Jess: are burnt out and fallen down. Mm-hmm. . Okay. So tips for spouses. Uh, this came from one of our listeners who is a male. Thank you very much for listening to us.

Yes. Yay. I know and wanted tips. On how he could help his spouse. So we've added in a tips for spouses. Yes. Okay. So

[00:23:33] Randi: go for it, Randy. So a great way to kind of bring this up with your spouse is to ask if they like the role and what they're doing in the family. Like, this could open up, maybe you hate doing drop offs, or maybe you love doing grocery shopping and you guys are o opposite and wanna switch, you know.

Yeah.

[00:23:52] Jess: For years my husband thought I liked cooking and I, and I suck at cooking. I thought it was my role. You're laughing your duty again now. Yeah, yeah. That was my duty and I really, I'm not good at it. I mean, there's so now I'm so many nights we've thrown it away.

[00:24:06] Randi: When I'm thinking of duty, now I'm thinking of poop.

Yeah. And I'm thinking that is, but like, let's just put duty to poop. Like it is a, is a shitty, it's shitty. So, okay. We don't have a duty to this. But

[00:24:15] Jess: yeah. No, but, and then when we switched and he started cooking, He is a good cook cuz guess what? He's not ADHD and can follow the recipes and doesn't forget and walk away.

And he's not burning the water. He's not burning the water and melting the pan. So, yeah. But like he was like, oh, I thought it was always you wanted to do it. Yeah. So he made the

[00:24:33] Randi: assumption and now, but then he's also found like a really love for cooking. Right, too. Oh my gosh. He's, and. Yeah, same thing when I told my husband, like I was burnt out cooking.

I was like, I've cooked you dinner for the last 10 years. Now we've been together for like 18 years. But I was like, you're up, dude. So for like last eight years he's learned to cook and found that he loves, you know, kind of cooking and making stuff. Mm-hmm. , um, but also like j Ask your spouse, our. They doing enough?

Like do they really feel, are they contributing enough to the, well, you should ask your

[00:25:03] Jess: spouse, am I doing enough? Right? If you're gonna be talking to your spouse, am I doing enough?

[00:25:09] Randi: Yes. And vice versa, are you doing, do you feel like you're doing enough?

[00:25:12] Jess: And don't wait until I do enough. The kids go to bed at eight o'clock at night and then you're burnt out and do it because she doesn't wanna have this conversation at 10 o'clock before bed.

[00:25:21] Randi: No. Like make it something fun. Like go out for a date night, do something relaxing. And then when you need to like talk about like heavier stuff, parrot with. It's like enjoyable too. So it doesn't feel like it's, I'm

[00:25:31] Jess: laughing. Not necessarily alcohol either, cuz that doesn't always end

[00:25:35] Randi: up, you don't wanna loose lips, sync ships.

You don't wanna be like, hey and like let it all fly out. Sometimes depending on your partner, you know, like

[00:25:43] Jess: Well, and identify areas that you might want to participate more in to having an equal household. Right.

[00:25:50] Randi: And well this is the. You're not

[00:25:53] Jess: helping. That is so my soapbox girl. Okay. You are not helping.

You're not

[00:25:57] Randi: just helping her. You're not babysitting your kids. Nope. You are an active participant in this family and this relationship. This is also, these are not duties. This is a relationship. Yes. This is communication. This is not added help. It's not a bonus. This is part of a relationship, a marriage communication.

And it's a partnership. A partnership.

[00:26:19] Jess: This is a being healthy partner. Yeah, so I des, you know, and in families, right, when we have kids, it isn't like a team sport and we're all lining up for football. This is a team sport, like a relay race sometimes, right? Like there is a baton and we're passing it off.

Mm-hmm. . And you need to be able to run and keep up your part to catch up with your partner. Yeah, pass her the baton so she can do her part and vice versa. Right.

[00:26:41] Randi: And this makes me think too, of all the like memes that happen around the holidays and stuff about like how dad just wake up on Christmas and they have no idea what they got, their kids and it's just like, ha ha ha.

And it's like, no, that's not ha ha ha. Let them actively participate. I feel a lot of times too, as women, I'm gonna call myself out too. I'm there. I have banned my partner because I think I can do it better. And not,

[00:27:04] Jess: or cuz I don't want him to tell me to

[00:27:05] Randi: not spend money, right? And I have not allowed him to participate fully.

I've tried to micromanage or control the situation and I have had to learn how to step back and let him do things his own way. Let him fall on his face. Let him, whatever, with the kids, even if they're crying, even if they're screaming, or even if they're extremely happy and I think he's spoiling them, I have to step back just like he's had to learn to step back to let me find my place.

He needs to find his place, and I have blocked him in some way, so I've had to learn how. I've had to unlearn. Yes. Okay. Yes. How to not block him from doing his own thing and participating in our relationship. Cause I feel like a lot of times as women, we have also learned to, like, we're supposed to be the controllers of the situation like this, the kind keepers, the everything.

It like sounds like. So like I'm an overload, over overload. I am overloaded. I'm the overlord of like our household. And it's like, no,

[00:27:57] Jess: but, and here's the. If we, they were doing that to us, we would call that gatekeeping and we would call that abuse. Right. And so we have to look at it a little bit differently.

Mm-hmm. , um, and maybe look at what are we preventing them from doing because we are gatekeeping in some way. Right. You know, by saying you can't do this with the kids. Well, if they told me that, I'd be like, watch me, watch me, and I'm gonna do it even bigger now. Yeah. Right. And. We have to kind of look at how our, we are engaging with our spouses.

Mm-hmm. , but I wanna go back one more tip for the spouse. Mm-hmm. , right? Yeah. I want you just to actually bring this up with your partner. Yeah. That is number one, is talk to them and bring it up and be like, Hey, I heard this podcast and what do you think? Right? And ha ha ha, but. Bring it up.

[00:28:44] Randi: Yeah. Break the ice with it.

Yeah. And next week we're gonna continue talking about can keeping and dive into it a little bit better and why it is important to set your boundaries. All right. I'll catch you next

[00:28:55] Jess: week.

[00:28:55] Randi: Talk to you later. Bye. Thanks for listening and normalizing mental health with us.

[00:29:02] Jess: Don't forget to check out our free resources and favorites on our website, unapologetically randy and jess.com

[00:29:08] Randi: like and share this episode and tune in next week.

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