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Understanding Feelings: Learning to “Sit” With Your Feelings

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Listen to Episode 26 | Now Processing Serie

Podcast : “Learning How to Sit with Feelings”

This episode is part of our Now Processing Series that we will be exploring throughout 2023.

In this episode we are going to explore how to sit with feelings and what that really means. We are going to provide tips that will get you started in feeling more comfortable with your feelings, even the difficult ones.

So basically We're going to teach you how to feel better about feelings and how to acknowledge the even difficult ones.

Transcript for Podcast Episode 26: Unapologetically All Over the Place with Randi and Jess

Episode #26: Learning How to Sit with your feelings

[00:00:00] Randi: 1, 2, 3, 4. Hi friends. It's Randi and Jess, and we're gonna cut the

[00:00:07] Jess: bullsh*t and let's get into women's mental health.

[00:00:13] Randi: Welcome to the podcast unapologetically All over the place with Randy and Jess, where we talk about women's mental health issues and how it's all. This

[00:00:22] Jess: is one of our now processing series episodes where we're gonna explore, now processing again, all throughout 2023.

[00:00:29] Randi: In this episode, we're going to explore how to sit with feelings and what that really means.

[00:00:36] Jess: Oh, and we're also gonna provide tips, um, and tips and tricks on how to get you started feeling more comfortable in your feelings, even the really difficult ones.

[00:00:45] Randi: Be sure to hit the plus follow button so you guys are notified of our next episode in the series. Okay.

[00:00:52] Jess: So basically we're gonna teach you how to feel better about your feelings and how to acknowledge the difficult ones.

I mean, that is a big deal that most people don't know how to

[00:01:00] Randi: right? And we think , whatever I know, like what I'm feeling. , are you able to really sit with that feeling? Think about it, process it, talk to yourself about it, or talk to others about it. So have you ever thought.

[00:01:17] Jess: I hate when others see me cry.

[00:01:20] Randi: Ugh. Why can't I just get over this? What do

[00:01:23] Jess: I need to get this feeling to go the fuck away? ,

[00:01:26] Randi: I do not want to feel this way, but I can't help it. Oh,

[00:01:32] Jess: that last one's a good one.

[00:01:32] Randi: and I still struggle with that. But I will communicate that. I'll tell, if I'm frustrated, I'll be like, I'm not sure why I'm feeling this way, but I am feeling this way.

And then usually I will sit down and like, look at like my gratitude journal or like look at my calendar and I'll notice like. Okay, I'll see you girl, like you're on your period soon. Like, or something like that. So it's like, uh, so what does it even mean to sit with your feelings?

[00:02:02] Jess: That, you know, and it's not like we're gonna say, we want you to just sit and breathe and like, you know, it's not actually like sitting, like, we're not gonna have, there's no special pillow

[00:02:13] Randi: You're not like, oh, oh, there's a funny um, shell Silverstein poem called The Babysitter. And it's all like, I don't know what a babysitter does, but I don't think they're supposed to sit on the baby and like, that's what made me think of this. Like you're just like stuffing your feelings like under your butt and like sitting on them and like, okay, no, that's not gonna happen.

You can't just suffocate your feelings.

[00:02:33] Jess: view. , there's a gigantic fart joke there. I just have to

[00:02:36] Randi: . Okay. All right. There is, okay, we're gonna pass on that , so,

[00:02:40] Jess: In order to, Have your feelings be processed. They have to be felt. Mm-hmm. . Right. Um, otherwise they'll, they'll hide. They'll, they'll stick around longer.

They'll show up when you're like, damnit, I didn't even know that was still there.

[00:02:54] Randi: Right. Like, if you haven't processed it and you haven't dealt with it, or you haven't acknowledged something mm-hmm. , it can. Crop up , like you said, a fart joke, it can crop up, dust up . Okay, stop. And now, now we're on the seven year old track, sorry, um, with my son.

Um, it can trigger you in opportune times and you're gonna be like, where is this coming from? Like, if you, if you didn't process it and you didn't deal with it, and yes, it sucks and it hurts and sometimes it's painful to be sad and be mad and be upset or be frustrated. , but why is it important?

[00:03:31] Jess: You know, part of this is that when you can, you can acknowledge and, and feel your feelings, right?

We're not saying you can always make them better or that you need to fix or numb it, right? Right. We're we're, what we're saying is that, you know, we don't want you to make, I can't even, I'm just so stammering today

[00:03:50] Randi: between you can just acknowledge it and, and move on from it, or know that it's there or Write down in your journal or whatever it is, or like, write down a note on your phone, like, maybe I should process this at a, at a later date when I'm able to.

[00:04:06] Jess: and it also keeps you from being the victim, right? Mm-hmm. , like, it keeps that victim mentality, why does this always happen to me? Right.

[00:04:14] Randi: Or numb to the feelings.

Um, where you do drugs, alcohol. Yeah. Anything or you numb it because you don't want to acknowledge it, or you become dissociated from it. And that can change your personality and your empathy towards yourself and towards others. So it's healthiest to learn how to sit with your feelings.

So how can we kind of do that?

[00:04:36] Jess: the very first step is to acknowledge that you are feeling something. I mean, you have to

[00:04:42] Randi: feel it, right? Yeah. You don't need to have an opinion about. Nope. You don't need to judge yourself or somebody else about it. You can just be like, this is what I'm feeling,

[00:04:52] Jess: right. Be in it, right? , this is what I'm feeling. Don't struggle with it. Don't try to explain it. Don't try to val. Well, okay. Don't try to validate it, but part of it is just saying, this is what it is.

[00:05:02] Randi: Just name it, just black and white. Like let yourself cry about it. Yeah. Let yourself talk about it or tell your, you know, friend or your boyfriend or you know, your sister or whoever, like I just.

Talk about this. I just want to get it out. Like, I don't necessarily need feedback about this right now. I just need a, you know, b I just need to let it out.

[00:05:21] Jess: Well, and that's, that's the brain dump. I do not the brain dump, like, like with the, the downloading I do with this my husband mm-hmm. right. Is I'm feeling something.

I don't know why I'm feeling this. I don't know what I'm feeling, but this is, this

[00:05:31] Randi: is what I'm feeding. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Get it out in a safe way. Mm-hmm. , that's not gonna cause self-harm to yourself. You know, that you're not gonna wanna reach, you know, for something, you know, that could. Further pain on yourself, like you said, like drugs or like alcohol or things like that to self sooth.

Use this, express yourself in a healthy way, whether it's getting out on paper, talking to a friend, you know, letting yourself cry, screaming in a pillow, scream. Yeah. Whatever it is. And then you can explore that deeper and say like, okay, this is the feeling and this is why I'm feeling that. And then you can move on to.

[00:06:07] Jess: I want you to name and identify the feeling. Mm-hmm. , right? Can you identify what you are actually feeling? Right. Because sometimes I get like, I will cry when I'm mad. Mm-hmm. , right? I'm not crying cause I'm

[00:06:20] Randi: hurt, I'm pissed. Yeah. Or you're not like sad, like you're, yeah. It's just, and there can be like a lot of feelings coming up.

So it's like kind of finding like what is really happening here?

[00:06:31] Jess: Mm-hmm. Another one is a lot of people will. and come across angry when they're actually anxious.

[00:06:36] Randi: Yeah. Or scared. Or scared or triggered themselves. Mm-hmm. . So it's bringing up some other fear or thing, and then you feel like, why are they so mad at me or angry at me?

And like, we're not you. You're not in their position and they're really, you know. Scared or afraid. Mm-hmm. and like covering that up. And it's coming out as anger to somebody else.

[00:06:58] Jess: Right. And we want to resist the urge of labeling any of these feelings as bad

[00:07:03] Randi: feelings. Yeah. There's no such thing as a bad feeling, right?

[00:07:06] Jess: many moms are like, I have such a bad mom. And you're like, no, you, they're, you're not a bad mom, right? Because you have feelings. Mm-hmm. , you know, so they're not bad. So that's the first step. Um, it can be uncomfortable, um, but it doesn't mean it's bad, right? It just

[00:07:22] Randi: feels icky and it can be hard to admit those feelings for yourself.

And that's okay because you're learning to be vulnerable. So,

[00:07:31] Jess: Ooh, that's another we, we have said vulnerable like in two different like episodes lately. Yeah. So I think that might be another episode cuz that is, yeah, vulnerability is a

[00:07:39] Randi: big one. Yeah. Being vulnerable with yourself. Mm-hmm. , being honest with yourself and learning to be vulnerable and you know, other relationships and friendships.

[00:07:48] Jess: Yeah. I mean, I'm gonna squirrel for a second. They're talking about some of the dating, right? That for 2023 mm-hmm. is, is really being vulnerable. Right. Which is not something previous dating has really kind of

[00:08:00] Randi: done. Right. No, it's, and I mean, I would say like in, you know, the past like 10 or 15 years, it's very much kind of like her or quit it or like, you know, Netflix and chill.

All about me. If you can't fill this list of A, B, or C for me, well I'm gonna move on to somebody else. And it's like, what if we really allowed ourselves to have a deeper, and part of that comes with like, you know, you need to be able to trust the other person, but who's gonna take the first step too? And like being vulnerable and opening themselves up.

You might open yourself up to a much deeper relationship that you might not. Before, but we can also talk about, you know, dating and 2023, you know, on another episode,

[00:08:43] Jess: right? Because yeah, emotional intelligence is, is a big thing right now. Mm-hmm. . Okay, so let's let, going back to our podcast, . Um, I want people to notice also where they're feeling it, right?

Yes. In your body. In your body, right? Where in your body are you feeling it? Is it in your chest? Is it in your shoulders? Right? Where do you hold that, that, that feeling?

[00:09:04] Randi: Yeah. Cuz we don't realize and we don't talk about enough. Too about how these things and our mental health also affects our physical body.

Yes. And there's a lot of physical symptoms and like, our emotions elicit a lot of physical response in ourselves. Like neck tightening, like shoulders tightening, like teeth grinding, like, you know, uh, being exhausted, being tired, or being, you know, over aroused, you know, and like, or not, you know, being able to sleep at all.

And so it's like hangry. Yeah. So it's like, Like what are those things happening physically too, that are going alongside the emotion?

[00:09:41] Jess: Yeah. Did you know when people dream about, they did a, like a study when people dream about like their teeth either falling out mm-hmm. or something happening, it really means they're probably grinding their teeth

[00:09:54] Randi: in their sleep.

Yeah. And I'm a big teeth grinder or teeth taper. I notice like when I'm stressed out, like I'll. Uh mm-hmm. , and I'm just like, okay. Like, relax, like, relax, you know, you know, my jaw and stuff. I have to do a lot of guided meditation about, like, relaxing my body and stuff and letting go of the tension in my body because that's something that I do like a lot.

Like I carry everything like in my body and,

[00:10:20] Jess: and I find a lot of people. Don't know the warning signs for whatever it is they're feeling. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. , they wait until like, they can't, their chest is tight and they're like, I'm having anxiety. And you're like, no, no, no, no. You missed all the other signs that your body was going through this.

Right? Yeah. Well, like sweaty.

[00:10:38] Randi: Oh yeah. Like I'm having like a heart attack and it's like, no, you're not. You're having a panic attack, you know? Right. But

[00:10:44] Jess: your body has been telling you right when you're hot and nobody else is hot. Right. When you start getting irritable, Right. Again, notice your

[00:10:53] Randi: feelings.

Yeah. You're having like a hot flash or whatever it, and as women, we learn to push those things down. We've talked about that. And like we ignore all the warning signs that our body is giving us to either slow down, rest, take, take a break, drink some water. Yeah. Like. Sit down. We we're just, we're in this mindset of like, go, go, go.

No, not this year. Okay. We're gonna listen to ourselves, we're gonna listen to our body .

[00:11:19] Jess: Well, and you're gonna learn to ask for help. Mm-hmm. . And that's the other thing that's hard. We go, go, go. Cuz people will not

[00:11:25] Randi: ask for help. We don't have a village anymore. Mm-hmm. , we don't ask people, we don't make ourselves vulnerable.

We don't let people in, you know, to be like, I need help with this. Let's, you know, cultivate more of a community. Support for each other. And another great step is to breathe. We did a , we have a video up on YouTube of just teaching me how to box breathe because I am a super shitty breather. Yep. So , those different types of breathing techniques

[00:11:54] Jess: and it made me laugh.

Because I was like, I didn't prep her at all and I was like, she's, gosh, she's not gonna do this , but part of breathing and I wanna go ahead. Well, I've

[00:12:02] Randi: held that with me since we've done it. Now I'm like, okay. Like I need to take, I have you in my head, like, take this deep breath. No, you're not holding it long enough, Randy.

Hold it longer. Okay. Like, do it this way and release it. And like now I've, you know, so I've been able to practice this like this the last six months and it has made me a better breather. You catching me off guard and putting me on video doing that .

[00:12:23] Jess: So it's hard. I'm gonna, I'm gonna walk you guys through it real quick.

I know it's hard to do on a podcast. Yeah. But basically you're gonna inhale through your nose to the count of four. You're gonna hold for the count of four and then you're gonna exhale through your mouth Yes. To the count of four. And part of this is making sure your lungs are open, your shoulders are back.

If you don't know if they are, put your hands on your head. Yeah. Open

[00:12:47] Randi: up your ribcage. Open up your

[00:12:48] Jess: ribcage. And if you're pregnant, this is a great thing to do, cuz that baby usually is kicking

[00:12:53] Randi: ribs, right? Yeah. Taking up all your oxygen. And so this

[00:12:56] Jess: is just. Learning to breathe and practicing breathing.

Mm-hmm. will actually help like, mitigate so many different things. Mm-hmm. and like anxiety or being

[00:13:07] Randi: upset. Yeah. Your fight or flight response. Mm-hmm. , if you're getting like that super like, oh my gosh, like this is, you know, just taking a minute to pause. So like, you know, doing the breath work. Also other things that can help you kind of pause and breathe or like journaling.

Um, cuz then you. Taking yourself out of the situation you're in and putting yourself in a different like frame of mind or like coloring. Coloring. I

[00:13:28] Jess: love the color cuz that one just, you just focus on the coloring. Mm-hmm. , I'm just focusing on coloring in whatever it

[00:13:35] Randi: is that you're doing. Or blowing bubbles like you should my bubbles before.

Yeah. And another big thing is practicing. Self-compassion. Right.

[00:13:43] Jess: Being gentle with yourself, you know, it's okay. You've heard Randy and I say it all the time, it's okay to not be okay. Yep. You're human life gets complicated. I mean, it is okay to be where you're at. Yep. Even if you're losing your shit somewhere on the side of the road.

It is okay to be there. Just breathe and kind of work your way through it. Mm-hmm. recognize where your feelings are and where they're coming from.

[00:14:09] Randi: Yep. And it's okay to slow down. Hit the pause button and Jess is gonna talk about why. that is important.

[00:14:17] Jess: So what I see in therapy a lot is that if we just don't, if we don't process right, and we don't slow down, we don't take a minute after we've kind of acknowledged these, these feelings, we get what's called like, well I call it like an emotional hangover.

Mm-hmm. , you know, if you've ever been in therapy and you leave therapy and you're like frantic, you don't know where you're going or you're

[00:14:37] Randi: driving. Well yeah. Cuz you brought up all these things. Right? And so you're having like a response to it.

[00:14:42] Jess: Right. Part of the emotional hangover. And sometimes when you have these like panic attacks or you have these big feelings, they're pretty exhausting.

Mm-hmm. . And so it, it is really like, you know, I always tell people, make sure you've got, you know, your water, your protein, you know, get, have a piece of fruit, something to kind of reset you a little bit. And that way you're not gonna feel so just

[00:15:05] Randi: depleted. Right. Yeah. I will often tell clients and stuff if we're walking through some type of heavy trauma.

Also let your partner or your friends or family who can support you, like let them know you are walking. You don't have to tell them what it is, but that you're just working on things and you might be triggered, you know, more so mm-hmm than normal. You might be more emotional, you might be a little bit more irritable so that they can support you as you're walking through those things and like these are the things you know that help us learn to process our feelings.

Sit in them and let other people too, make them more aware and like we talked about in, um, the previous episode, to validate yourself and

[00:15:47] Jess: others. Yeah. I love how we're like, we, we make these feelings. We're sitting with them, we're walking through it. Right. It's a very action oriented, right? Mm-hmm. , because you, you can sit with your feelings, you can walk through it.

It's almost like they're like little people. That's interesting.

[00:16:02] Randi: I didn't, you are, you're kind of like moving these pieces of yourself mm-hmm. like around a board, but this is what you need to do when you feel like you're out of control. Mm-hmm. and you wanna take control back of who you are, yourself or learn who you are.

Mm-hmm. , I feel like a lot of times we're just going and going and going and this hustle culture and we don't even stop to know who we are at a deeper level, like a soul level with ourselves. Mm-hmm. . And we don't appreciate who we are and what we have to give to others. And we've talked about this in the past, if you are not filling up like your own cup.

Yeah. How do you pour out, how do you give to other people? And so I think like, This year we are going to understand what we need, who we are. Mm-hmm. and where we need to go to be the best, best version of ourselves. And like you said, like we need to take these different pieces and put 'em together. Cuz I feel like sometimes we can feel like we're very fractioned, you know, from ourselves and that can be like an icky feeling.

Mm-hmm. , you know, and to better understand your. And you, you can control, you know, certain things about yourself. Like you said, don't give that control to other people. Take it back.

[00:17:22] Jess: Yeah. Take back your control. Figure out where these feelings are coming from. Mm-hmm. , acknowledge it. Right. Because it's okay to have all these

[00:17:30] Randi: feelings.

Yeah, it's okay. And it, you know, get support, you know, get a therapist, get a friend, you know, to walk through you with it. Most of us, when we are vulnerable with our friends, we find out we have often been. These same, similar traumatic situations. Mm-hmm. , unfortunately. But then when we talk about it and we bring that to the surface called normalizing it.

Yeah, we normalize it. We feel less alone. You are not alone. That's what our whole podcast is about, is normalizing these issues that we have women have and that we're not alone in it. We just. Talk about it enough, right? And so when we're able to bring that to the surface, we can often find peace with that and like lending a hand to somebody else and them back to us.

And you can kind of come full circle with that. Like a lot of times when you open yourself up, you're like,

[00:18:23] Jess: I'm gonna create this village. I'm gonna create this village. Yeah. All

[00:18:27] Randi: right. Well thank you guys for being a part of our village. Absolutely. Thank you guys. And yeah, head to our website, Randy. Dot com and you can find more resources there.

More of our past episodes. Be sure to hit like and follow. You can also find us on TikTok at Women's Mental Health. All right, guys.

[00:18:46] Jess: Catch you next time. Bye.

[00:18:49] Randi: Thanks for listening and normalizing mental health with us.

[00:18:52] Jess: Don't forget to check out our free resources and favorites on our website, unapologetically randy and jess.com

[00:18:59] Randi: like and share this episode and tune in next week.

Resources

Visit our Fav Sh*t  for all the books and products mentioned on the podcast.

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Podcast Episode 26 | Sit With Your Feelings