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1, 2, 3, 4, hi friends. It's Randy and Jess. And we're gonna cut the
bullshit and let's get into women's mental health.
Are you depressed? Are you just surrounded by assholes episode two to podcast unapologetically all over the place with Randy and Jess, where we talk about women's mental health issues and how it's all. This week, we talk about how women are pushing each other to be perfect and hiding their pain behind smiles.
We also touch on what helps us feel better. The new 9 88 help number that went into effect July 16th, people in our lives that help us get through our depression. And if social media is making it worse or not, and so much more,
this is something that is close to both of our hearts. As women, we are constantly told that we have to do it all and be it all and put on a perfect.
But at the same time, we're not allowed to show emotion or it seems like we're weak. If we ask for help, it's a hard life.
And for whatever reason that makes me wanna sing, it's a hard, not life. What is it, Annie? Yeah. It's a hard, no life or us. Right. All right. So have you guys ever thought it's been hard for me to get outta bed lately?
And I don't know
why I'm tired all the time, even though I've slept like 10 hours
thought that everything would be better if I wasn't. I've always felt like an outsider among my peers,
or felt like you've never fit in,
feel like a failure or that you hate yourself thought, why am I crying so
much? I mean like, oh David, why am I crying so much?
before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem first, make sure you are, that you are not in fact, just surrounding yourself with asshole.
yes. People can definitely bring you down. So we are gonna talk about the different symptoms and how to get
help. Yep. We're gonna go over the different types of depression.
We wanna talk about how social media is making women feel worse about themselves. Um, what helps us feel better when we're depressed resources that get us through depression, as well as the new 9 88 health.
major depressive disorder or clinical depression is common and serious. It negatively affects how you feel in the way you think and how you act.
depression causes feelings of sadness, loss of interest and activities that you once enjoyed. And it can lead to very emotional and physical problems that can decrease your ability to function at work or home.
But luckily it's treatable, but you need to know that depression can affect women very differently than men.
Women are two to three times more likely than men to develop depression. And that's why we wanna talk about it today.
Absolutely. And I do wanna note that, like, I get a lot of people that come to me and say, well, they said I was clinically depressed and really, truly being major depressed of disorder and clinical depression.
It is really the same thing. Uh, one of 'em is just a little bit more old school than the other mm-hmm um, so when we talk about diagnosing, we do talk about major depressive disorder, same thing as clinic.
Right. And they are so many varying effects of depression. Like there can be persistent depressive disorder.
Um, bipolar can fall under that postpartum depression, premenstrual dysphoric disorder, which is also commonly known as PM D D um, seasonal, effective disorder, which I really struggle with. Um, especially like if you live in places that are like more gray and don't get a lot of sunshine. So like where we are.
Yes. So this episode, we're gonna focus on the major depress. That, but the major
the major depressive disorder, which is clinical depression. And also, um, as Randy mentioned, what she suffers with is seasonal affective disorder.
Yeah. And we may touch a little bit on, um, P P D, which is postpartum depression, MPM, D D, but we are definitely gonna go more in depth with that and upcoming episode.
So tune back in.
Especially, because that's what most of my clients that I work with, um, come in for, I really specialize in helping mamas through a lot of this. Yes. And recognizing that, um, PMDD, we talked about that briefly, which is, you know, not just I'm PMSing, it's the severe PMs. Um, and it just came into our books.
What. I wanna say in the last seven years, yes. Maybe that we actually recognize that severe PMs or PM D D exists. Yes. And so we wanna do a whole episode on that. Cuz most women have no idea that it even exists. Right. Especially men think
like, oh, I'm crazy. Or like I'm hormonal or I'm. Well, no, it is actually treatable.
Absolutely. All right. So major depressive disorder is one of the most commonly diagnosed forms of depression in the us.
Yes, there are around 16 million. Over 18 in the us that have had at least one major depressive episode in the last year. That's huge.
Huge, and depression is the leading cause of disability in the us among people.
Probably what 15 to about 44. Yeah. I think we're missing a little bit of the age there, cuz we're not even talking about like elderly depression. Right. But really, I mean, it's huge and we don't give it enough information.
Right. And I think like a lot of people might. Think of depression as a disability, but it really can alter your whole life when you do have major depression.
and so let's go through the depression because I know a lot of people think, well, I'm not depressed. We've all seen those commercials where they're like, oh, I'm sad. I can't get off the couch and it's raining. And, and so that is more of a severe, severe depress. . Um, and so I think a lot of people will discount what their depression is or not be able to recognize it.
So let's run through some of the basic, like you might feels
right. And know that it can affect everybody, like totally differently. So just because you're feeling one way and you know, somebody else that's depressed and they have different symptoms doesn't mean that you. Do or do not have it. You just need to recognize what's happening within yourself.
Absolutely. Depression is not a comparison game. Um, especially saying, well, somebody else is worse than I am. W we're not really, not that we're not concerned about other people, but I really want people to focus on themselves and how they're feeling, because we wanna compare to how they were feeling, you know, previously or how they felt before, right?
Don't side by side comparison with like a friend or a family member or like a character on TV, like right. They're, , that's totally different than from what you may be experiencing. So what are things that people could be feeling?
Um, the obvious is sad. Tearful, right. I can't stop crying. Right. Um, guilt
Yes. Uh, restless irritable.
Ooh. Here's another one. Empty or numb kind of being like, I don't feel anything right
at all. And, um, lacking confidence or self-esteem being really hard on yourself. Like abnormally hard on yourself, right? Not
typical woman, hard on themselves. Right. um, unable, like the clear one for us is like, if you're not doing things that you used to enjoy, right.
You, or you feel hopeless or just like
helpless. Yeah. Or constantly anxious and worried. And I know sometimes it can be very hard too, to differentiate between depression and anxiety, but that's why it's important to kind of like self-assess and then go into a doctor or a therapist and get, you know, more information about it.
Absolutely. And obviously some of the big ones is if you're feeling suicidal or you wanna hurt yourself. And that's one of the statements I really wanna focus on is if you're saying things like, I don't wanna kill myself, but you know, I think it'd be better if I'm not here. Right. That, that is when you really need to say, okay, I need to go get some help because sometimes it's so easy to slip into the, I really don't wanna be here.
yeah. And you think like, well, it's not as bad as. Thinking like, I wanna be unlive and, but it can lead up to that if it goes unchecked long
enough. Right. Right. And you know, the other one that we don't talk about enough. Um, I remember in grad school, I had a professor that talked about this and it's kind of like the, the dark fantasy, which, which fits with that is the.
What happens if I'm driving along this road and I decide to not turn when it, the road turns, right? What if I go off the cliff, what will happen? Or. What if I just don't stop my car and just let it crash.
Right. And I often cause that like catastrophizing yes. Or like worst case scenarios, but like you think them like more and more and more, and, um, that can kind of like, you know, turn into like a big ball of fear.
Right. And so those are the things that we also look at. Um, oh my gosh. How about lack of sex drive or not wanting sex at all? When normally. Your sex was pretty regular,
right. And understanding too, that depression can cause a lot of physical body pain, things like that because you're holding all of this, like inside of you.
So like you have lack of energy. You're not moving as much. You're not talking as much. Right.
Or the, you haven't eaten mu much, so you're losing weight or you're doing nothing but eat because you just don't care anymore. So now you're gaining
weight, right? So it can be on both ends of the spectrum. Like either like really low or really high and same thing with like sleep.
Like either you are not sleeping, like at all, or you're sleeping way too much and you still feel tired.
Right? You're like I slept 10 hours and I'm still freaking tired. Mm-hmm . Some people also will do other things. Um, they behave differently, um, talking about like, maybe you avoid your friends anymore.
Like you just don't wanna go hang out with your girlfriends because you know, you just don't wanna bring them down or you just don't feel
up to it. Right. And an important note too, is that it really can impact like how you function. So is it affect. How you work, like how you're going to school, like how you're interacting with your family, like things like this.
Like, are you functioning the same way you were before previously? And how is this impacting? Like, are you working less? Like you can't focus as much, like you just don't want to do those things anymore. And, um, is that really impeding like your quality of life?
Right. And it could be even things like, are you snapping at your kids a lot more than you used to?
. Or finding it hard to make like, decisions that maybe like weren't so, you know, hard to make before. Right.
So when we look at these also, we kind of wanna look at like what, like what we call risk factors or causes, right? So either what's causing this, why are you feeling like this? You know, what is going on?
Um, and there's so many different things that can happen with this. And one of the main things we always look at is genetics. Do you have a family history of depression? Do you have a family history of, uh, PM? D D do you have a family history of bipolar or, or any of the other ones that we've kinda
Or just even like generational trauma and things like that. We can carry things down through like generations and we're just like more, you know, exposed to those experiences and any type of major life changes too. Like trauma stress. Um, anything that is immediately, or is long term, like, I don't think people realize, like we move a lot in our society and moving is up there with a stress factor of losing like a loved one and death mm-hmm it is something that is very, very stressful.
And, um, a lot of people feel like, well, I shouldn't be like depressed after this. Like I wanted to move here or I wanted to do this. And it's like, why is this taking a toll on me? Well, because it's a huge major life change.
Well, and some of the other life changes is that look at like COVID, I mean, I feel like the last three years we have done nothing back on bam, bam, bam.
Right. With all of these changes that we've had no control over
it's a lot. And also too with like, um, the speed of like social media and like electronics and keeping up with that kind of stuff. Like we have had so much radical change, like in the last 20. Like who can keep up with that?
Well, we can't, we can't keep up with it.
I don't even know how our parents did. It was because they weren't doing as much right. At
same time. And they weren't as exposed to as much as we are today. So it's like, it's okay to know that it's normal and you shouldn't be keeping up with that. There's just no physical or emotional way to. Well,
And so a couple other things too, is substance abuse. People don't realize. Um, and we kind of, well, I kind of joke, you know that during COVID alcohol went up by 50%. Oh yeah. So the more you drink, the, usually it's the more depressed you are. Mm-hmm because alcohol is a depressant. We don't think of that because one drink, we feel great.
I'm doing air quotes, right? . You know, it makes us more depressed.
Yeah. And then too, like if you are struggling with like any type of like physical illness or like chronic illness, those things take a toll on your body and take a toll on your mind. And, um, if you're on medications too, for those things, and they're affecting, um, your mood, like that can also come into play.
Absolutely. And that's what we always say. Check out what medications you.
mm-hmm yeah. Cuz they can also have like sometimes too, we'll get to this a little bit later, but like medications you are might make, make it worse, you know, that are trying to treat like the problem. Yes. And it's okay to change it.
It's okay to ask for a change, a medication that isn't, you know, that is causing you symptoms like that.
Oh my gosh. One time I took Wellbutrin. Um, they were trying to see if Wellbutrin would work for me. Mm. I could not, I felt so stupid. I could not think of the name for tape. Like it made me lose the track of what I was doing.
Like I was like, what is that sticky stuff that you, you, you stick on like, like presence and stuff, you know, that, that sticky strip and somebody was like, You mean tape? I'm like, oh my God, I have got to get off this medication. Right. This is
awful. What is the same thing too? Like I went on Zoloft, um, after my mom passed away for depression and then I felt nothing, zero, nothing.
Like I was like, this is scary. I went from like crying, you know, 24 7 to having no emotions at all. And I was like, this is not right for me. Like there needs to be like a middle ground for this. Right. So I need to get off this medication. I need to change. Well,
and I think a lot of people feel that if they get on medications, I know I'm probably all over the place.
Right, right. But I feel like
it's the name of our show.
Right? Good reason. Squirrel squirrel. But they feel like. If they go on medications, they're going to be a zombie. And that's not thing we're not supposed to be zombies. We're just not supposed to be crying all the time or we're supposed to feel a better.
It isn't a fix all, but it's not supposed to
you worse. Right. And it's not going to fix you either on the opposite. Side of that is like, sometimes people think like, all I need is like medication, I'll just pop a pill. It'll be fine. Like, no, that's not how it works. Like it can take time. Um, you also need to learn like coping skills.
You need to work on yourself too. Like in the meantime, like there's, you need to partner with other things to get there. Absolutely.
So, and earlier, Randy, you were talking about social media. I know you do a lot of social media. Um, I've ventured into it this year a little bit more. And I find the people who are trolls or bullies are, are very interesting.
The things that they say they can tell, you know, say, um, We talk about women and social media and how it's making us make us women making us feel worse about
ourselves. Yes, I do have a social media company as well. And, um, I've experienced that myself without people treat you on social media, being a public figure, let alone how people just interact with each other on a social platform, even friends, family.
And things like that. Like, it seems like there's like this veil that people think they can say whatever to you. Mm-hmm um, and a real lack of empathy with that. And because social media is such a huge part of the way our life is now. Like we're always on Facebook, we're always on Instagram, we're on Pinterest, whatever it may be.
Like a lot of studies have found that women are much more unhappy. Their bodies, especially, um, the more time they spend on social media, because you're constantly seeing like this, this barrage of like, um, images, like going across like your screen. And you're taking that all in. You're feeding that into your brain.
You know, that this is like the status quo. And of course you're gonna feel worse about yourself. If you are playing a comparison game, you know, for hours a day,
Well, and it's the perfectionism that, that gets me, right? Like, um, I remember when my daughter, this is like, what, 12 years ago for her first birthday.
Right. I, I went on Pinterest and I was like, I'm gonna do a Pinterest
party. Right. You wanna be a Pinterest mom, like a Pinterest mom. Perfect. Pinterest, totally
crap. No way, no way. I mean, like it was so expensive and it was so stressful. It was beautiful, but so hard. That eventually I was like, no, no, I'm, I'm not a Pinterest mom.
I, I can't, I there's no way I can compete or even keep up with that. Right.
Like, let's go back to the days of like dollar store, like party decorations and like some pizza to like, you know, chill the fuck out. Well,
exactly. And let's stop giving out goody bags. Really, truly my pet peeve is goody bags, but that's just my, my soapbox right now.
You're laughing. No, I'm laughing because it's true because it's like, who wants a bag of junk, then you've wasted money. You've. The stuff home that the kids are never gonna play with. Like it's and you're okay. That's a whole other episode. right.
Oh my God. So, okay. We talk about how much time, how much time do you think you spend on social media including work?
Let's be real.
Oh yeah. Since I'm on it all the time, especially for work. Ooh. I mean, I'm probably on it, you know, six or eight hours, like a day. So, but it's different working on the back. End of it. I'm not constantly looking at feeds, but I do research like trends and stuff like that. So I do see like a lot of that and because like our.
Uh, you know, company focuses like a lot too, like on fashion and stuff like that. Like, I do see a lot of like women and stuff comparing like their bodies and like what other women are buying, what they have. So like, that CRE. Creates like that. Like you said, desire for perfectionism desire for wanting what you don't have.
Like thinking like the grass is greener on the other side, or you're seeing clips of this person's life where they're having like an amazing time they're going on this amazing vacation. Okay. This is 15 seconds of their life. You do. See the other, you know, 24 hours in the day that they are struggling or like working or, you know, like they're being hard on themselves too.
Like this is 15 seconds. It is not their life. Well, it's like
the shit show of family pictures, right? Like we have, we do about once year, these family photos and it's a complete shit show trying to get everybody to wear what I want them to wear. I ask one time a. Trying to get everybody to smile, trying to get my husband, to keep his eyes open during the shot, cuz that doesn't happen.
this perfect memory where you're like, no, this was a shit show. This was just an absolute shit show. Everybody is miserable. And it was usually really, really, really, really, really
hot. Yeah. And people ask me all the time, same thing. Like how do you do it all? Like, blah, blah, blah.
I said, because I have a supportive partner, like I work 80 hours a week. Like it's. Fun and games like you're seeing one picture, like one video, like one post of like the hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of hours that it goes into. And the time that it takes away, like from my family too, and like the stress that it causes, like women are not alone and how they feel when they are comparing themselves on social media.
And another thing I've run into, um, having a teenage daughter is. Snapchat and how horrible it is.
That stuff is blocked
still. Thankfully. Yeah. Um, because they're constantly showing like women in like sexual, you know, stances and like bikinis and like my daughter she's 16 now. And she was really struggling with that because she was seeing this over and over and over again and thinking like her body needed to look like this and it started to create like some.
Uh, like an eating disorder for her and like anxiety and like depression. And I was like, no more. We're not gonna feed. I didn't realize until I went on there and created an account for myself. And I was seeing it like day in and day out and it was making me feel like shit. And then I realized, like my brain's developed her.
Brain's not developed. And she's taking all this in, into her mind and to her body, she's carrying this with her day in and day out. And she's thinking, this is the status quo. And like it was undoing all the things that I had done to make her feel like self confident and to love herself and undoing it, like in an instant.
And I was like, no more. Like, I like deleted that and I took her off of it. I said, that's the one social media, like you cannot like have, it was just way too negative for.
Well, and you know what you talk about, that's funny, mine's younger, right? She won't even let me get near her with a Q-tip because she saw somewhere on YouTube that the Q-tip is the bad thing for your ears.
And it pushes the wax in. Right. And I'm like, oh my God. So now I can't use QTIP. I'm like, no, no, no, you definitely can't get on Snapchat.
Right. Thanks for social
media. Right. But you know, one of the things too in talking about that is the loneliness that it creates. Mm-hmm , um, it, people become so lonely because they're sitting on their couch on a Friday.
And they're scrolling through all the stuff that social media is
showing them, right. Instead of creating memories for themselves, like they're comparing themselves, like, why am I not doing this? Why am I. not doing that. Like I C it's like, you could like, let's step outside of that and not get dragged into that and not get sucked into it.
Like, um, I used to be very addicted to social media. Yeah. Like on the personal side, you know, like looking and scrolling and wanting to have like the Pinterest house and like do the Pinterest crafts and do, and I'm like, I'm. It's too much. It's so overwhelming. Yeah. And it does it alienates you almost from your own life?
Well, especially when you're online, your family's like, um, hello, we're right here. What are you doing? You're like, hang on, let me take a picture real quick so I can show that you're here. Right? Right. And so part of it is, is really learning. I hate to say this to disconnect a little bit from social media and learning to put our phones down, which is a really hard thing.
Cause I know I'm addicted to mine. Yes. I love my phone. Um, but being able to put it. So when we talk about depression, right? Let's talk about some of the, like, what can we do about it? What are the treatments? You know, what, what have you found personally? Or what have we found personally?
Yeah. So when you find like you're feeling that way, like lonely disconnected, all the things we talked about, um, for me, it was really surrounding myself with support.
like friends that I could like lean on like a partner that I could lean on finding good therapists that I could talk to. Um, and pairing that with, um, the right medication for me. Absolutely.
I mean, and so for me it, it was therapy, right? Mm-hmm um, I found that, um, I'm, I'm a little bit older than you. My family starts going through, um, perimenopause early.
And so I was early forties and I was like, Is wrong
with me, right. I'm early forties. And I'm feeling that right now. So
yikes. So yeah, you can come sit on my couch anytime. Yeah. but like, I went to my doctors and they were like, mm there's nothing you can do. Sorry, this is just it. So, you know, what did I do?
I sold a business. I picked myself up and I moved all of me and my family to another state. Well, about three states away. Yeah. Right. It still was there. Right. It ended up taking, getting on some me. um, and it was the best thing I've done. I no longer want to kill my spouse. Mm-hmm um,
that's like a good thing.
Right, right. I no longer wanted to run away. Right. Which was a great thing. I, I really felt like, okay, I'm back in the groove of me, which is great. And, and I can participate in my family again. But for most people, they're scared of medications. Right. We talked about it a little bit earlier about how medications can be scary.
Um, yeah. We talked about that on our previous episode too, a lot, especially with like ADHD, medications, yep. And stuff. And because. Um, it can take a while for antidepressants to work and it can take a while to figure out the right one. And that is scary. Like, um, it is worrisome. There are some things you can do.
You can ask your doctor to like, run like a, um, there's some like genetic testing, saliva testing. Yeah. That can like match you with. What is supposed to be a better medication for you? That's not like a hundred percent, but there's like things you can do to kind of cut down on that. If you have the resources for that, those things can be expensive.
So it's like, um, you know, finding a good therapist is, you know, a great thing and like can be helpful while you're going through the steps of trying to find, um, a medication that works for you or. Finding, you know, natural alternatives like CBD or, or, um, Calming apps like meditation, mindfulness, things like that.
I do a lot of mindfulness. Yes.
Meditation is huge, especially guided
meditation. Right. And just like too working, like on your self talk and stuff like that, we'll put some resources on our website.
Absolutely. You know, and another thing I always tell people too, is if you have relatives who have done have gone through the same thing and taken me.
If they did well with it, let your doctor know. Cause that usually means like, you'll do well. So like say if my, like my grandpa took a cholesterol medication that didn't work well for him, it didn't work well for my mom, which means I'm like, oh, okay. I know if I ever have to take a cholesterol medication that they struggled, so I might struggle.
And so it's one of those things that if you have somebody like a parent or a sibling, who's also taken medication and they're successful or, you know, not successful. Then let 'em know, cuz that helps too.
Yeah. And I think an important factor and what I often tell people in my private practice too, is like medication is not like a death sentence.
Medication is not a forever thing too. Yeah, exactly. It can be for a to time, you know, mm-hmm to get you through. Something that you're going through to get you through this struggle, to get you through this hard time. Like, it doesn't have to be like the end all, you know, it's not like, you know, the end of the road or however you wanna, you know, think about it.
Um, it can be temporary, but you know, you need to have that managed by, you know, your therapist and doctor. You know, you don't wanna like abruptly, like withdraw off any type of medication like that either. Oh my
gosh, no, no cold Turkey, anything without help, because that that's bad.
Yes. And once I had a doctor, tell me, just stop the medication.
It was a major SSRI, which. We'll talk about another time. there's labels for different types of medications. And, um, I had horrible, horrible withdrawal symptoms, like brain tremors, like fog. Like I couldn't think straight. I was like, what is happening? And then like, I started researching, I was very young at the time.
And so like, I didn't know any better and I wasn't in this field yet, you know, and I was like, I should. Not just stop this medication. I needed to be tapered off of it. And like the doctor didn't know like his medications and he shouldn't have been treating me like that. And that's very normal too.
There's a lot of, you know, bad doctors and bad therapists out there, so, oh my gosh. Yes, you have to weed yourself through them.
you know, and one of the things I wanted to also kind of, while we're talking about that is that there is, they used to call it a black box warning. Now that it's call it a box warning cuz black box sounds so scary,
I don't know. Uh, well, it should, but I've never heard of it term that way before. Ah, so old school,
black box now it's just called the box warning. Okay. And what the box warning is for antidepressants in general, is that anybody under the age of 20. You really wanna monitor them. Um, and not that you should be scared of giving it to somebody under 25, but because their brain is still developing, right?
Like your brain's not fully developed till 25. Right. Right. And so it could make you worse. And I've seen people who I've, I've worked with like teenagers who have gone on medications and then they, they, they get worse and you're like, oh, You need to call your doctor today in my office, let's get this taken care of because this medication can make kids worse.
Right. And I think that goes for like, almost any medication too. Like you should definitely like have somebody that can manage your medication and knows what they're talking about. Like, I change my daughter's doctor and like in our family, uh, we have P C O S I haven't, my daughter has it. And so we found out that one of the medications she was on.
For, um, her depression and anxiety actually makes P C O S worse. Oh, good Lord. And it, it can cause cyst. And so, um, he was telling me like, oh, I don't like using this for women because of that. And I was like, we have P C O S so like we're already predisposed to getting, um, Cyst. And so he was like, oh yeah, like we need to change this.
So it's like, with anything, like, you need to be aware of like all the interactions that medications can have on your body. Right.
Um, and I do wanna know, cause we, we mentioned briefly about postpartum depression. I work with a lot of mamas who it's not just, you know, my hormones are off. But there's a lot of women who choose and who can go on medication.
There's like one or two medications for antidepressant that, um, or antidepressants that are not harmful for those breastfeeding. Um, and usually what I tell people is check with your doctor, obviously get the script and then check with your daughters or sons pedia. Um, and make sure they're okay with it, because that way you have two separate doctors saying, yeah, this is fine, especially for breastfeeding, right.
There's no reason to suffer because you're breastfeeding, you know, not that much, not that much, or if hardly any gets passed through the milk. Um, and so lots of women do much better once they start medication, if they have postpartum depression.
Yes. And several of my clients that have struggled with that too, I have.
Such a huge relief by them getting that support and that help. And it's safer for them and their children. Mm-hmm, getting that help than, you know, not being treated at all.
I mean, let's face it becoming a mama is like one of the weirdest things ever like literally walking into a hospital as you and coming out as a mom, right.
Is such a weird mind. Screw it's. So. Yeah.
And it's not even limited to like the first time or the second time it could happen. Like out of the blue, I have had, you know, clients that like, they're like, this is my fourth. And like, mm-hmm why is this happening now? It's never happened with any of my other kids.
Well, your body is constantly changing, you know? Well,
and it's not even that. Did you know that 50% of spouses? Let me see if I can rephrase this. If a woman has postpartum depress, there's a 50% chance that their spouse has postpartum depression. Postpartum depression can also be in men, which is something we don't talk about enough.
And we won't, you know, we'll go more into that when we do postpartum. But there's a chance that your spouse is also depressed. So, I mean, those are just things to kind of keep an eye out. Right. And your
life situation could be like totally different. And you could have like trauma, like around the bur there's a million
Oh my gosh. Yes. Yes. So I also tell people, make sure you're taking your vitamins. Right. Um, for a while there, my husband was just all of a sudden, like low energy wasn't feeling. Well, we sent him in, um, to the doctor, did blood work? His vitamin D was so extremely low that she was doing. He had to take like 50.
50,000, whatever it
was. I had to do that too. Yeah. Yeah. I have really, really low vitamin D like retention and where we live, where we're at on the equator. We will never get enough sunshine that we need to get enough vitamin D in our system. So we have to take it. Like, and that can be huge affecting your mood, like vitamin D like B12, like all those things.
So it's important to get that stuff checked out too.
Absolutely. And again, I'm gonna just keep plugging psychotherapy, go to therapy, go to therapy, go to therapy. I may be biased, but I think therapy is like amazing.
Well, we're a little biased because like, that's our scope, but also because we've done it and it's worked for.
Like, but like I said before, I've seen a lot of shitty therapists too, which made me wanna be a better therapist and yes. Um, it's okay to, like, I know a lot of people too, like go to the same therapist over and over again, but they're not like feeling connected to them. It's okay. Like. Personally me as a therapist.
I'm okay. Like if we're not connecting, I may not be the best fit for you. And, um, so, and it's good to communicate that too with like somebody, like, I don't feel like this is helping me or like moving me forward. So like find somebody that you do connect with.
Well, and as a therapist, I'll, I'll say I'm struggling with, with, with working with you.
I I'm having a hard time connecting mm-hmm , you know, and I'll give them permission if this isn't working for you. Right. It's okay to change. Right. And, and not a lot of therapists do
that. No, they don't. So it's important to find one that does have your best interest at heart. Absolutely. Like it does not see you like as a dollar sign.
So I try to do that with my own personal practice. Like I want what's. Or my clients, right. Period. And if that's not me, that's fine. And you know,
I joke I'm constantly working myself out of a job. I, my goal is to help the person feel better. And so they don't have to go
to therapy anymore. Exactly. I'm always having to, I say like push them out of like the nest, like a mama bird.
I'm like, it's okay. You don't need me. Uh, we've worked on this, uh, Giving you the tools and the resources. And they're like, but, and I'm like, no, go, go live your life. You're good. I mean, if you need a check back in, that's fine, but like, you know, you've done the hard work, like you're ready, you know, to move forward.
Ooh. And I wanna mention, um, good faith estimates that just started beginning of this year. Uh, it's called the no surprise act. It's legal thing that went into effect all across the us that people have to, if you're gonna go out of prac, if you're gonna do private pay, if you're not gonna use your insurance, um, your provider has to give you what's called GFE.
You're a good faith estimate. I had a friend she freaked out and was like, holy crap. I just got this bill for $31,000. That's insane. Right. For my daughter's therapy. And it was only like four months. And I was like, wait,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. But it was like an experimental therapy therapy
or she was doing more of the, she was doing traditional therapy out of pocket.
Okay. And she was doing, um, for like really severe depression. It's more of the electro current therapy that's done. Okay. Um, and so it was also just really expensive cuz it was a psychiatrist and private pay. Right. Um, but I was like, if you didn't know about this, where's your good faith. mm-hmm and she was like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's that? Yeah. What's that? What's that? So I sent her back. I said, go check this out. And so far, the billing company is again, air quotes, researching where the good faith estimate is because they can't charge her $31,000 without telling her right. It is, it is against the law. She has a right to fight it and she may not have to pay.
that's good. And as women, it's important to have those resources, cuz I feel like a lot of time we can be railroaded. Yes. You know, or been told like this is just the way it is and you have to do this and accept it and like that's not true. Absolutely
not fight it,
fight it, fight it. Yes. Um, and it's good to know with things like that.
Like a lot of people can't afford. That type of bill. Oh God, no, that let alone just regular bills, um, with the way, uh, the economy is. So there's lots of things that you can do outside of therapy and outside of medication too. So what are some of those things? Just, um, one
I tell people and I do myself is be active in exercise.
Now that doesn't mean you have to, you know, go running your marathon. It could be 10 minutes. It could be outside walking. Um, personally, I like to go and lift weights twice a week. It feels great.
Yeah. Ride your bike. Like, absolutely like some yoga. I have a Peloton, so like I do like a 15 or 20 minute ride.
Yeah. I don't have a ton of time, but it's like just to get my body like that release and move and stuff. Since I do like sit a lot, like for my profession and stuff. And so I need like a little bit of an outlet and I really love yoga too. Well, I was
gonna say. Some people are like, well, I can't do yoga.
That's great. Find, just stretch, find a stretch. Yeah. Do some stretching, do some movement. It's just trying to get some movement and do something a little bit different.
Yeah. Another thing for me too is like, I have a desk cycle, so I have like a little cycle machine. I raise my desk so I can like move, you know, my legs, like while I'm like working or typing.
And I have like a standing desk too, so I can like move that up and down and like a FID. Standing work pad. It's hard to describe. I'll have to post a picture so I can like move around while I'm working and I'm getting like that blood flow and stuff to my body. Well, and it helps your ADHD wiggles too.
Yes, that too. Um, the other one is set realistic goals. Right. Like, you know,
women realistic, realistic, not Pinterest. Perfect.
Real, no realistic. Yes. And that's like saying when someone's like, well, I'm gonna go on a diet tomorrow, so I'm gonna go totally healthy. I'm gonna exercise for an hour. I'm going to, you know, right.
That's unattainable. Absolutely. 10 minutes. 10 minutes. Yeah. And if you wanna bump it up, go for it, bump
it up. Yeah. So realistic goals. Like I'm gonna do this for 10 minutes. I'm gonna do this for 15 minutes or I'm gonna do something that you can realistically achieve or afford to do, like within your life.
Absolutely. And time budget.
Right. And spending time with like trusted friends, good friends, not people that are assholes. Okay.
well, and I, you know, I, I. You know, we won't go too much into that, but I know you had that happen with friends too, that, you know, they all became assholes. Yes.
And it's like, , oh God.
Um, sometimes you want things in your life and you're very blinded to other people. Um, for me, I am Uber empathetic and sometimes that allows me to not have the best boundaries because I think. I'm just like giving them a chance and I'm just there for them, like, as they are. But then I realize like they wouldn't be there for me and that same aspect.
so it's like too, like learning that you are surrounding yourself with people that you can like really trust mm-hmm , um, and really lean on. Um, I know for me though, like I come off, like, I don't need anybody. I don't need anybody. Like I go 24 7, but like, that's not the case. Like your real friends will still check in on you.
Mm-hmm , you know, they'll still show up for you. Like, um, they still know that you are not okay. Mm-hmm , you know, and, um, they'll ask that of you. So if you don't have. find it or drop the people that are like that in your life. Right. Drop the assholes. Yeah, exactly. Um, and try not to isolate yourself. I know personally, like.
I have a tendency to do that. I will like totally like cut off, like everybody. Um, and like turn inwards. Mm-hmm like when I'm struggling and not let like anybody, like get near me, like, I'll just do it on my, you know, self
. Well, it's that whole, I have to be strong. And you know, I can't show that I'm suffering or I'm having a hard time.
Right, right. Because, you know, as a woman, we have to make sure we do it all.
And, um, so if you like notice yourself, like isolating like that, like reach out, you know, whether it's your spouse, you know, your friends, you know, somebody even a good coworker or whatever, like. It doesn't matter, just, you know, kind of talk about it and be open about it.
I feel like as women, we just don't talk about this shit enough.
Well, and that's that whole I'll show up at your house. I'm gonna sit on your couch and my jammies mm-hmm and I'm okay with that. My goal is just brush your teeth and put on deodorant and I'm good. Yeah.
Right. I'm like I have dry shampoo in, like I know longer when I was younger.
I used to be like, very much like my house needs to be clean. Like I need oh yeah. It needs to be perfect. Before you walk into my door, like I would just. So like stress myself out now. I'm like, whatever, there's dishes in my sink, I work 24 7. Like my kids are fed and like, you know, like we're all healthy, so I'm good to go.
Like, I don't care if you know, there's like dust all over my house or my dog hair is all over the couch.
Like, oh yes, the dog tumbleweeds. Yes. That one in the corner. I've got those.
Yeah. And then it's also important to know like that. Your, um, mood can improve slowly, slow. It's slows. Always gonna be like an immediate thing, even if you're doing like natural things, you know, like vitamins or like exercise or stuff like that, like it can creep back in like, keep a journal, like keep, you know, write down like how you're feeling like what's impacting you.
What's not impacting you and stuff like that to be like aware.
Well, and, and I, and don't make any big decisions. Okay, fine. Okay, Jess, that's fine. Fine. Fine. I know. Fine. Fine. Moving to another state was probably the best thing that we did, but don't make major decisions. Like I'm gonna divorce somebody or, you know, I'm quitting my job, cuz this is bullshit.
Right? Sometimes you have to kind of make, do the process. I mean, I, granted I say I moved as, but this was like a year long research, so right. It felt a little bit more secure and it was the best thing we did. Yeah.
But it's, it is hard to postpone making those decisions when you're in the middle of it.
When you're in the deep, when you're in the dark, when you're feeling like this, like sometimes you just think like, if I just do this one thing, like it's gonna make everything better. so it's like, you need to, same thing, like work on that self talk, like, okay, stop, take a breath, take a breath, Randy. are we gonna do this?
Are we not like, you
know, well, and read up on depression, read up on, do research about it. What can you do for yourself?
Mm-hmm yeah. And ask like the, your support system. Like, what do you think of this? Like, am I making a rash decision? Like, am I not usually good sound advice? They'd probably tell you. Yeah, this is probably not like the best thing right now.
Let's take a breath. Let's
take a step back. Like don't get bangs. I mean really? Oh, don't ever get bangs. Don't get bangs, but you know, whenever people are depressed, they're like, I think I need banks. Let, let me tell
you, you can get clip on bangs on Amazon. if you feel the need to have bangs. Okay. You can get them all right.
and fill that need if you
need to. But you know, it's true. It's always sounds like a good idea until you do it. And then you're like, mm. And for those that love their.
That that's great. Oh yes. But do you know how long it took me to grow out? My bangs, like forever and it was so awkward. Like, don't do that to yourself.
Right. I think I wore
even more depressed. I think I wore Beres for like six months. Right. so, and some of the big buzzwords out there is like self love and self acceptance and self care. Right. And what does that look like? Right.
What does it look like? Well, it looks different for everybody, you know, like personally, like my self-care is like, I love getting like a massage.
Like I love getting, um, taking a bath with like EPS and salt. Yep. But like, I know a lot of people hate baths, you know? And that's fine. That's not for you. Like, I love reading like a good trashy book, you know, too, you know, some people wanna read, you know, a murder mystery or. Historical fiction my mysteries.
Right. Or listen to, you know, a podcast like the , but it's like, um, you know, so like there's different things that you can do for self-care. It doesn't have to be a one size fit all, you know, it, it can be like going to get coffee with your friends. It doesn't have to cost anything either. Mm-hmm like you said, like it could just be like sitting outside in the sunshine or, you know, making sure you're eating right.
Because I forget to eat all the time.
Or it's, you know, it could be stretching in your closet with the door shut because that's the only time the dogs and kids will leave you alone. So you're gonna go stretch in your
closet. Yeah. Locking your bedroom door to get some peace and quiet, like sticking in your AirPods and listening to your favorite song.
Like, you know, I just. Blasted, you know, Drake's new song, like sticky on the way here, because I was just like, I just need to like, let it all out and like decompress and like, that's fine. You know, or whatever, like I'm 40 blasting wrapped down the street. It's okay. It's all good. It's all good. Yeah. That's like self love, self acceptance, self care.
It comes in like so many like different forms and, um, you don't need to limit yourself on what that looks like. Well, and I
think as women. I think the whole self acceptance is getting that this is where we are right now. Right. And, and I've, I've recently gone through weight loss surgery. So have, you know, you had prior.
Yes. And it's accepting that this is where I am right now. And I love myself where I am right now. I loved myself where I was a month ago, you know, and in a month I'm gonna love myself then. Right. And it's really just, this is where I am, and this is part of my journey. Right. And my journey doesn't have an end point.
being, once you get okay with your. In your mind, like you're secure in other things that happen around you and, um, then you can't be like thrown off base as much. So really like self-acceptance is. Like where it's at.
Oh my God. And there's nothing like superwoman posing naked in the shower. just take two minutes and pose like superwoman in the shower, chest out your ass, be a badass, just two minutes.
Yeah. In your shower. And there is something so amazing about that. Yeah.
Shake it. Shake what your mama gave you, like put on some, whatever, dance in the shower naked, like you said, and who cares if you have stretch marks, who cares? If you. Loose skin, like who cares if your boobs are sagging or don't look perfect, like it doesn't matter just own the body you're in.
It's gotten you this far. Absolutely.
Absolutely. So resources, I mean, you know, there are other ones besides, you know, shake sit. Would you say shaking it naked in the shower? Yes.
Shake what your mama gave you.
um, again, I'm gonna plug therapy therapy, therapy. . Um, I like telehealth because I can do it. My jammies mm-hmm right.
Um, some people want to do texting. Some people want to do guided meditation, which is totally different than regular meditation. Right. ADHD. I can't do regular meditation.
I need guided meditation too. I need somebody walking me through it step by step. Otherwise I'm like what? Thinking about the million of things like I need to do, but there are lots of resources out there.
Like I'm a big text. Like I. You know, text therapy to my clients, like there's walk and talk therapy. Like if you like being outside and being grounded, you know, there's, um, companies like talk space that like, can, um, do like a brief assessment and pair you with a recommended therapist. And, um, we have a resource for that on our website.
Um, so you can look into that to see if that's something.
I think there's a discount too. Yes.
Yeah. We have a discount there too. There's a code on there. Um, at unapologetically, Randy and jess.com. Um, because then you have access to somebody 24 7. So if you are looking for that and you need that kind of immediate response, because not all traditional therapists will offer that.
Um, you can find that immediate connection to somebody if you need somebody to talk to right now. Well,
especially for teens, that's a great site for teens because a lot of therapists don't work with teens and it's so hard to find. You know, try to get your teen help. Right. And honestly, most teens are totally cool hanging out in their bedroom, talking on their phone anyway.
Right. So right. Exactly.
Or texting somebody, so, right. They're, they're good with that. And like Jess was saying, like she loves, um, meditation and, um, I love mindfulness and stuff. And so head space is another really great resource because, um, they. It's like a guided meditation app. And so you can do it for like a few minutes a day, or like longer if you need that and like fit it into your schedule.
And, um, we also have a code for that on our website. Awesome.
Awesome. I also like it for, for learning how to get to sleep. Because being ADHD, my brain sometimes goes, oh, is it bedtime? Let's think about all the shit we need to do tomorrow or that we didn't do. I'm falling asleep too. So I'll use that to help me
Yeah. And then it can just help you, like reset like your mind too. Like I know, like when I was having like really, really bad anxiety, like using like head space or like calm or things like that really would, I would be like, this is too much for me. And I'm overwhelmed. Spinning. So it's like, I would be like, okay, let me press play on this app.
And like get out of my head. For a minute and utilize this to, um, help me like reset my mind, reset my mood and refocus.
Well, that's what I use books for. I call it my ginger. Like when you have sushi, you eat ginger to kind of just stay with, oh yeah. I talked about that before. Yeah. and it's my ginger, I'll read some trashy book or I'll read some murder mystery and it helps me get out of whatever I did that day.
Right. And it's okay. I, to like disassociate like that a little bit to get outside of yourself, you know? As long as it's like, not totally alienating you. Right? Right. So like when my mom passed away, like I read probably like 300 books that year, because I was totally dissociated from like life. Like now I read like a healthy, like a hundred books a year well,
and what you did was okay.
And reading a hundred books a year is okay. And if
you're, that was my way of coping and dealing with grief, which we'll talk about another time, but
absolutely. The really cool thing that just recently about a week or two ago is the 9 88 help number it really July 16th. It is just like calling 9 1 1. Now you dial 9 88.
If somebody is suicidal, or if they're having thoughts of hurting, you know, themselves or somebody else, um, you, you can give 9, 8, 8 a. Yes,
so you can call them or text them. It's that simple, just 9 88 and hit send. And they will route you to somebody that can help you via text or phone. And this is just an amazing free resource that we have needed, um, for so long.
And I'm so glad that it's finally here.
Absolutely. And this is across the country. This isn't just where we are. It is across the country. And what it will do is aro all of the callers to the national suicide prevention life. Um, and they have people who will
help with that. Right. And they're trained, they are trained in how to handle these situations.
Um, they have hours of training, um, and work behind them so that you can feel confident in talking to somebody that can get you to the right help.
Well, and I know that they're looking for people and volunteers. So if there's somebody who this is close to their heart and they feel that they can, they can do this and they want to do this, they are looking for volunteers.
So, um, we'll put the link on our website as well, um, to kind of link you through if you're interested, um, in more information or if you wanna kind of volunteer.
Yeah. And I can find that very therapeutic and healing myself. Um, when I'm going through about of depression is that, um, reaching out to help other people can also help me in ways like that.
So I love volunteer opportu.
Absolutely absolutely makes a difference.
So next week we are gonna be talking about mental health issues surrounding caregiving for parents and partners. It's just not something that we talk about enough, like as we get older and it can be hard as fuck, dude.
It can be. And so if you have any questions or any topics you wanna talk about, please go to our website.
There's this great thing. This little section that you can, what's it called again? Ready? I already forgot my brain went out. You can email us. yeah, email us.
There you go. If you can reach us there and email us, if you have any questions about, um, caregiving, or if you have any suggestions for future topics and things like that, that you guys just have like burning questions about, we have a whole section there where you can like shoot us, like a message and.
We are so excited to hear what you guys have to say and what you want resources on.
And, and even if you just have a question that you're like, I just wanna know this one thing mm-hmm right. Like I always go places and they're like, oh, you're a therapist. You must hear everything. I just wanna know one thing you can put that through.
Or if there's something you wanna know about yourself, it can be anonymous. Just let us know. We're not gonna, we're not gonna like anonymous throw you out on the air.
Right. Um, and you guys can also find quizzes to like assess yourself for depression on our website. Yep. And more information on books that we utilize, um, in our own personal life and our practices and, um, things that can help you when you need a little bit of a pick me up with self care, self
Absolutely. All right.
Thank you guys for tuning in. We'll talk to you next week. Talk to you later. 1, 2, 3, 4. Thanks for listening and normalizing mental health.
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